Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Choice to Love

I really wish you find someone with whom you can walk not a mile but a lifetime, with whom you will choose to go all the way. 

I am sorry that i wasnt the one, i guess i wasted your time. But you have shown me what love is, how love is, taught going all the way in love. 

You tolerated me, made tons of compromises and then resented me. And i choose to run to you even till the last day, never to find what i was looking for. Love to me in safety, home without fear, with trust, safety in all meaning and in support. Knowing there is always someone to hold my hand no matter what. 

And its okay that you werent the one. Good that you made a choice, coz i didnt have the courage to imagine a life without you. It never came to me to ask that question- "whats the point?" 

Love. Thats the point. You are my person, thats the point. 

But your question was an eye opener. A realization that when its not enough, it never going to be enough and there will never be a point no matter we search for it or make it up. Coz thats not love, love never has a point. It just is. Like the sun, the universe and gravity. 

I pray for you, someday to find your one. With whom you choose to walk the life, you go all in, where you dont need to try but its organic. I wish you be happy. 

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

last year same day

I don't blame you, I try to justify. You didn't like me anymore and you left. But you don't leave the ones you love, you fight for them. You care about them. 

You make me question everything was anything real. Was the marriage a scam 

Last year same day you brought a lamp, and I told you I don't need anything just a little bit of commitment is sufficient and now am standing here broken and empty. You never came for me. 

Tuesday, February 13, 2024

HVD, I broke up.

14 Feb 2009, you sent me a text at 2:21am "HVD, I broke up." That is after I was trying to reach you over 2 and half hrs since midnight and your phone was engaged.

Did I deserved it. You made me feel like I did. Instead of seeing the cruelity of it you gave me a few reasons to ponder upon your cruelity justifying the punishment deserved the crime.

1. I am clingy? - What is that? I wondered. I googled, read a few reddit comments and still confused. You were so understanding to my low IQ and explained I check up on you if you had your lunch that's clingy. Right, you were right.

2. I will a distraction rather obstruction to your goals - MBA. The future proved I am exactly that. 

3. And you mother asked you to break up. And hence you left me after 12 years of marriage coz your mother told you to. 

Later you promised me that you will make up for this cruelity all your life. I guess that was you hypnotized under by black magic spell. Which keeps wearing off and on. Your forever and always and your promise about lifetime is quite short, ain't it. Forever maybe just few minutes based on your mood. And I will keep playing jumping jack. 

Ya I am venting. Bit in truth I am not mad at you. You were only thing that was true and honest, you showed the bottom feeding low standard man you were, you showed me plain and simple that I am an option to you so as soon as you were in phone call with your other option it took you merciless 2 seconds to dump me over a half ass text on valentine's day. 

That was my first valentine's day, I told you how much I was looking forward to it. But waiting to dump me after few hours was too much. The same way as you told our Lawyer On the divorce day - you can't stand me any more. 

That's what I was - An Option. Something you can use and throw after you are done.

So whenever I brought this wound to heal you asked me to forget it, bury it and get over it. Lol.

It sounds like nagging complaints, I know. But in honesty the only complaint I have was for me. Think about that day scares me so much the fear I was feeling when I walked the dark,  lonely street of Chennai at 3:15am. My mind wanders into what would've happened. I was so scared of abandoned by you, that I abandoned one person who entire life and being was dependent on my well being, I neglected her, forgot her. Maybe it was her blessing calling upon the Gods that protected me that day. And nothing happened to me. But still thinking about the night gives makes my heart drop. And I am so angry at myself for doing it for you, who was never worth it. 

You didn't worth me, devaluing myself. You didn't worth putting my safety at risk. Especially you, who would leave at the first thing and never stop me ever. I remember the very first wedding anniversary you gave me a divorce lawyers number. 

I am sorry. I am sorry that I nagged you with my complaints my pain when I should have taken the time to understand my pain. I should have accepted the loss instead of allowing you to treat me cruelly.

That's not yours shall never be yours. No matter how pretty the prospect might be or the wrapper of promises are, the truth is - shit is shit, it will stink. 

Taking the first step of Love.

Dear Me, I am sorry. I didn't value you. I didn't value love that day. My illusion of love was misplaced. I should have protected you and thought about your safety. But I kept putting you in harms way again and again last was 24th Dec 2023 trying to find his house. But I promise you, never again. My heart my priority is you. I am so sorry. And I am grateful to that Supreme power whose blessing have pulled me out of those horrendous horrifying situation untouched. I am grateful to dear God. I forgive him and take accountability of my actions. 

I can't go back into the past. But from today each valentine's day I promise to love you, prioritize you and value you. Forever and always.

Dear Ex-husband

I wouldn't curse you
I wouldn't blame you
I would never wish you anything 
But all the happiness you deserve.

I am putting all my effort 
into my today
All my effort 
to not collapse
All my effort 
to not feel like burning the world

I don't regret 
I keep telling myself
Even though sometimes 
It sounds like a lie 
Even to my ears

What a girl wants?
What I wanted
Safety!
Too much 
When we were married

A sham
My entire life 
Everything except
When you made me feel worthless
Deprived, unloved
Neglected 

No regret though 
You took away a part of me
Broke me 
Abandoned me 
in a drowning ship.
I am left buried
Pulling your debts
Paying with my life.

I still wish you well. 
I pray God bless you
To find love
And realize how I loved.

My wounds are bleeding 
And it will
For few more days 
or months or years
The part you stole from me
Never to heal again
That's what you wanted
Congratulations!
You won my darling 
Cheers to you
'Coz
What's the point?

Saturday, February 10, 2024

What's the Point?

You were cruel.

I fought with the world, my most favorite person my mom, and my inner voice to not blame you. To accept how unacceptable you treated me. I blamed myself, so that i dont blame you. Made excuses for your action when you didnt take accountability. 

You were cruel. I didnt deserve your cruelity. You never apologized for those. You asked me to forget. 

HVD, I broke up. 

Not only i felt rejected, abandoned but the way i felt so unsafe trying to save what "us?" The us that never existed, what was the point? Running to you 3am in the night in the dark street walk to your place, waiting on your stairs finally with morning sun so that i can knock your door.

I kept putting myself in those dangerous situation in attempt for you to see me, my love? Win your sympathy, coz i confused sympathy for love? And in the process i devalued myself again and again. Giving you my body eventhough i didnt want to, cause that will probably make you love me. But i was an object you took out frustration, sexual experiment so you could score better in exam. You left me half naked feeling used and grabbed a book to study.because you concentration is better and i understood. I cared for whats important to you just to fast forward 16 years for you to tell me at my weakest that i dont understand and hence you are leaving.

You were cruel, for breaking my leg over an argument. And when i limped in pain you didnt give me support. Never apologized never showed you regret. 

When i was in the hospital and unnecessarily poked so doctors can earn cash. You kept using me for your pleasure but when i asked for your support, cried to you to help me with doctors you rather chose to pin me to the bed and use your physical strength to shut me up.

I complained, and it was very annoying. So you ignored, and asked me to forget first 5 years. 

Next 5 years...

You were cruel for never introducing me as your wife or partner but your colleague when we were already married. 

You were cruel, to bet our marriage our relationship to show support to your parents' unjustified demand if i have to marry you. Here is the story for context, the first time ever they spoke to my parents, they told my mother to free free, rather they insisted for her to skip my wedding. Because only my presence is needed and hence my family may parent aren't required to come to my wedding. I must forget my hope and dreams and go to your hometown where I know no one and attend my wedding. In a single blow treating you to be the most expensive hot commodity that I would be the most luckiest girl to be in your company and at the same time telling me I am expendable and replaceable. "One gone another will come" what your mother said. 

So I told you this, but you chose to gaslight me and said i misunderstood. You said you are betting our marriage and won't marry me if this is true. 

Keep buried the incredible insult to my mother the person gave birth to me asked not to come to my wedding. 

 We decided to call your parents right in front of you and us. So they told you "Yes they meant each word." 

later you said you didn't mean it but you didn't think twice to bet our marriage. You parent said curtsey sorry and I become magically okay?

Ya coz you are the diamond and I am the luckiest girl alive to have the great honor to marry you, until you get bored and leave me after 12 years cause the entire relationship is built on the basis of what you want. You wanted now you don't. Cause what's the point?

You were cruel when in front of whole audience you said you dont want wear the ring i was putting on your finger coz your family wants you to wear the ring in right hand. What was my fault, why I was a joke. Safe all I needed was safety and you kept throwing me to the wolves. 

You are still cruel, when you said i would want to destroy another girl's dream, villianizing me when i was beaten down and i was look for a tiny piece to float in the shipwreck of my life. Yes I complained, I didn't get the respect or acknowledgement as your wife that someone's girl friend is getting today. A Tony shred of validation I needed from you for my emotions. But all you did was shut me up by accusing me of something beyond. Even though shutting me up costed our relationship, what's was the point of that relationship ever to you? But being cruel and mean to me. And I deserved it every bit of it, coz I took it, the first time. I allowed it the second time, coz the third time and nth time, the point that was important to me was our relationship, the non existent illusion of a relationship in my mind.

It was cruel of you to dismiss my existence, When i showed you my vernubility by saying how neglected i felt my whole life,  you blamed me for feeling my feelings and wanting more than breadcrumbs you serve. The bare minimum started to become too much for you now and you walked away like you cared less. Well you really cared less. "Caring" at Convenience is not caring. Caring as long as you get validation and take away as punishment is cruel is toxic.

You were and are cruel to me. For the reasons, i dont understand. But congratulations - you broke me, stole my spirit and left me abandoned.

But you showed me the version of me who's capable of love. I wont dwell on guilt or past choices. I am grateful, loving you i have know am capable of love. Known the difference between toxic love and genuinely loving myself. I have a choice, i am done putting myself in danger to win anyone's love or approval. I dont want love conjectured with because, i want love that i deserve,  that i am capable of, and that i can give. Love that exist. Love that flows without any force without asking, love that pure like the first sun shine. 

Now I know Love.

So good for you to run away. Coz you never fit in my world and i didnt fit yours. You knew you were here to only take and you were on borrowed time. 

Hope you learned something found something, both you and your parent. Coz for the sake of the world, i wish you never treat another human like you treated me. 

What's the point? - Learn to Love.

Godspeed.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Okay!?

I am okay,

Never seeing you,

Never talking to you again,

Never getting to share,

while you listened.


I said my piece,

I tried my part,

I ripped my heart out,

Drenched in my own tears,

But nothing could break your walls.


I am okay,

You not turning back,

You leaving us behind,

You moving on,

Saying, "its over".


"What's the point",

You said.

In a blink its done,

Like it never existed,

Accepted, Excepted.


I am okay,

Not being okay,

Heart broken,

Feel betrayed sometimes,

Wondering, What was the point?


Still hoping,

One day my clouds will part,

Sun will rise again,

I wouldn't slouch anymore,

Like I am beaten down.


Trust again,

Submit to plans of universe,

One day, someday,

I will be better,

I will smile again. 

For real

I will be okay.




Tuesday, August 15, 2023

Shh...

Shh my little girl
Be silent
Run into the dark room
Cry your eyes out 
Let no one hear you
Let no one see the real you

Shh my dear heart
Bleed in pain 
You break in million pieces 
But keep smiling
Let no one know
Let no one see 
As you're falling

Shh my ghost 
Floating apparition 
You don't exist
But you are still here
It's cold and still
It's dark in silence
Everything is frozen
Time moving on without 
Your presence