I lost something precious recently, a diamond of my eyes. A
literal piece of diamond, from my engagement ring. Don’t know why a 20 cent piece
mattered so much, that its absence has made the whole ring obsolete. But that little
piece puts everything into perspective.
How the people we are closest to can be taken for granted, to be
there forever. Sometimes we try to take care of them like I checked the setting
of that ring, or cleaned it, every now or then, so that it sparkles its brightest. But it takes only a moment, a moment you are most
unaware of, and engaged in something else, it falls off and probably washed off like it meant nothing,
without making a single sound, vanished somewhere in the huge world out there, no where to be found, no matter how long and hard you search. It means nothing to anyone, for them I'm jus' a crazy person with wandering eyes and limited concentration, bend over checking dirt and scraping little pieces on the ground, "It's so small, doesn't mean anything", someone suggested with their expect opinion. But it matters, matters to me and it will leave a hole of
imperfection in my soul. And no matter how I try to fix it, I will always know there
was a loss associated with it and there was a hole.
Chain of thoughts has no boundaries, a tiny piece like a 20
cents shining stone, can light the darkest lanes buried under memories and can unleash
tsunami of emotions, flooding the ancient gates, wide open. All those hurts and pain from the
past hit all at the same time, making one go berserk.
I asked myself a question there, whose fault was that. I
wasn’t a victim, I knew people, I knew their traits and colors of their character.
Why I wanted to invite them into a lavishing wedding, where I couldn’t invite anyone who was my
well-wisher. Why did I have that wedding in the first place, where I knew the
man I wanted to share my life with, wasn’t my partner, never was and never will
be.
Saving that money and investing to buy a roof over our heads would’ve
been the best decision, but I was childish, I had a fairy tale dream. I can’t be
angry at them, who jus' came to stump on us, and that was expected from them. In reality I am mad at my choices, and the reasons for ‘em.
But am narcissist, I can’t let go. It’s who I am and what
makes me, Me. I can never forgive the one who have hurt us, I can’t go in the
past to change the course only to be devastated by its butterfly effect. But
today, in present if anyone is trying to hurt me and the one closest to me, I can be the
meanest narcissistic person you will ever know, and I will destroy you.
