You Don't Matter

A sudden realization of "you don't matter" is same feeling as getting hit by thousand bolt of lightning. Left shocked and baffled you keep questioning every instance in the past. Mind wandering to the possibilities of what if.

What if, it was sooner, might my heart bled less. What if, I didn't move, I still would have those friends. But the what ifs, are the "if" defining the beginning of the moments before choice to share your life, what if I could have seen the red flags even before starting this heart tormenting series of moments that reached the actuality. What if, I never brought him into our lives and at least saved my loved ones from the misery of betrayals and the aching pain and void of asking why, with echoing silence and torture of no answer.

But at the end you still stand baffled, with an expressionless face and with questioning eyes, realizing you don't matter, you never did. You were jus' another pawn to sacrifice on someone else's game. And now when you are useless to them, you are jus' another piece of garbage stuck on their shoes, which can easily be scraped off. And the same noise reflecting from the walls, keep telling you - "you don't matter"

It's not a surprise, you knew this. Then why the wondering and questioning. There is nothing called we were meant to be, your sacrifices were your own, no one begged you for it. You thought you should 'coz that someone mattered to you, you can't demand the same considerations. You kept your minuscule life on hold, because you believed you were not capable of greatness, you helped him coz you knew you couldn't achieve it. And now that, what you knew is known to the world and to him, you are surprised? He knows you aren't capable of anything, you are now a dry and bitter lowest form of human being. His friends saw it, his family said it and you knew it every time you looked into the eyes of your own reflection. You knew the secret and the facade of confidence you maintained but like your dark secrets that you shared with him, he knew the chink in your armor and he waited for the right time to kick you on the curb and move on. Don't you think you deserved it? You gave him all the weapon and then expected him to do what - not to take advantage. How naive are you? 

There are no saints, when push comes to shove, everyone is on their own. And if you didn't stand your ground is because you are a loser. The world doesn't revolve around you, and "you don't matter"

Giving up to void

For decade, I gave and gave, gave up my life, my youth, my career and today I am empty, lost in void and have nothing else to give so he gave up on me and gave me up.

Born from Blood

A little known
in a long past
A life started
but forever paused
In the hunt for adventure afar
the princess lost her path

An unwanted being
odd among the many
strange in her action
but innocence her treasure

She was kind
she was in love with life
she believed even in darkest lies
hit by a bolt of betrayal
a part of her deserved to die

A darkness emerged
in her heart
Her soul tainted
with the pain and the scars

Eyes once blue
with tears of hurt
now burn red
with rage and revenge

"Everyone," She said
"Everyone betrays"
The pain of abandonment
was excruciating enough
The path vengeance she desired

Every step charred her with rage
once like flower, now she despair
her sword so sharp,
that cut through concrete
Heads lie at her feet
as she drank their blood

"Evil..." they said
"She is evil" they cried
But no one could save you from her
"You pay for your crime,
with your blood", She said

Every sinner died
but her hunger still strive
conflicted with her desire
she closed the door of light

"Who am I", she wondered
Her reflection defined
her new features,
so stranger
so unfamiliar
the scars of fight
And her hatred in eyes
"Who am I", she yelped in despise

That night her dreams haunted her
Claret, Crimson and Cerise
Only blood she could think of
Drowning in her own rage
burning with the lust of murder
She picked her hunting sword
"One more sinner,
and that's the last one"

But she wander the whole night
lurking beneath the window
under the dim light
soon dawn hit the sky
frustration grew hungrier
Insane fury, deranged danger
possessed by blinding wrath
she spot a boy stealing viand

Her heart stopped
skipped a beat
there goes a sinner
A sinner it is

"No!!" her yowl echo through clouds
Her heart repressed her rage
"Not a killer", she said

As she kept fixated in that direction
battling with herself and her desire
"Animal, you're an Animal", she cried
as she jumped and grabbed the li'l boy

Licking her red lips,
she reminisce the taste of blood
"Jus' one more, last one,
he is a sinner", she whisper with thirst

With her blade pinning the boy's throat
his dire weep caught her thought
"What am I doing", she jumped aback
Holding her head
she remembered her past

With guilt and shame drowning her rage
she buried her face in her palm with embarrassment
"Forgive me", she said
"Forgive me for who I became" She sobbed and acclaimed

"I forgive you" a voice from behind
the li'l boy holding a loaf of bread
Carefully distant but
willing to share
Her heart whelmed with his mercy
she garbed him in a hug
She sobbed washing her ire
she wept till sun came up
With bright light
her aura refined
renewed her soul
from the taint of dusk
Born from blood
She is Devine.

Fight till Last Breath

I blankly stare into the night
As the darkness allures me
in its wrap
I faded into a ghostly smoke
Who I am, I have lost my path

Hitting the pause on my life
Where I was
where I am
Time passed
as stillness resides

Damed by Curses
carried weight on my shoulder
Inch by inch tormented
Shan't move muscle
Pivoting only on myself

Becoming a prey of jealousy
envy and rumors
Press under
the thumb of assumptions
Who I am,
doubting my own existence.

Fixated on misguided validation
My existence confides in myself
Into the darkness,
Walls of concrete sealing 
echos of screams
Cries in the night

My soul ain't mine anymore
Fed on by minuscule maggot
For mere stories unreliable
As they call it their victory

Still I will wait for the day
I won't be staying confined
My reflection will keep me grounded
My passion will keep me real
A part of me still left as I breathe
As I live to fight your injust another day

I will keep fighting, fighting everyday
Every war you bring.
I might lose several time
And each time I pay the price
But I promise I won't back down
I challenge you to bring it on
Bring Your best game this time.

Unaccepted

- Dedicated to Chester Bennington and Aunt Honey

You passed in a blink

With no goodbyes

With no answer

It was sudden,

And you went out of reach

You pass over

Did you suffer

I keep wishing

If all this was unreal

Is it a dream,

Or a nightmare in repeat

Every instance playing

In slow motion

Or I fast forward

But ending up in one conclusion

You are gone

And I am here

Wishing if only

I could take your place

And you mine.

The stars shine bright

But the nights are dark

Can't close my eyes

Can't keep 'em open

I stare in emptiness

As void swallows my light

How you expect me to go on

Live without you

Without your smell

Without your voice 

Without sleeping next to you

Your warmth

Your love

Your touch that connects me to this world.

Cries of My Reflection

As I look in the mirror

I don't recognise who you are

Are you someone I used to know

Or my reflection a moment ago

Forever you have been trapped

Under the plastic smile

Like nothing is real

Your eyes tell a story so different

Born from anguish

and suppressing pain behind. 

The scars you have

So visible so vivid

The pain you inflict

to make sense 

to feel real.

Every fragment of you is broken 

bit by bit

that last shred of your soul

seized to exist.

But with that plastered smile

You say everything is alright.

If only you wouldn't have existed

So much easier to vanish in time

Faded like a ghostly image

No footprint no sorrow to leave behind

I look at you, my dear reflection,

You stare back 

only with agony and grief in your eyes

Your doubts scream so loud

Unloved and abandoned

Why I deserved this?

You scream but no sound of your cries.

Hurt by my own afflictions

Not a stranger to pain

But still every moment aches 

with the same intensity every time.

What can I say,

When no word can define

So I silently stare at you

As I see my tears 

fall through your eyes.

We look at each other

Share our pain our fears

Then I see your lips curl up to smile

you bravely wipe my tears

deep breathe, and the mask to bear,

To be back in the world 

and to conceal what I feel

And who I am buried inside.  

Are we looking for Validation?

Insecure and wounded by the surrounding and captivated with norms of general livelihood, it is difficult to stay tuned and tap into unlimited willpower from time to time. Perform or perish is the only notion we generalize our daily standard with. If you take a breather you might disappoint someone, something might be slipped. And constant panic of what did I missed is too much very often. Am not talking about the productivity of an employee, rather a mere basic existence of a human being to live a few good years left in the balance.

But the society and its high stature have made sure we report to its only supremacy by submitting ourselves to someone else's control, where our sole minuscule existence is judged under the microscope of a stranger. The only way we feel relevant when someone tells how worthy we are. Why isn't it enough to be just being yourself. Why we constantly struggle to be something more, flaunting our superficial gimmicks to impress the world and threaten the rivalry. Maybe it is the fast pacing competition or ceaseless battle for survival.

Appraisal has made the work environment more of a battleground of pointing fingers rather than employees working as a team towards a common goal of success. Don't take me wrong, appraisals are important, for not letting some lazy birds slipping personal advantage of leniency. Also, we need discipline in work environment an of course in our lives, which unfortunately has to be forced and can only be implemented by validating each performance. So, there you go, validation of another person to define your work. Now if this system is fair enough, is a question debatable. And we all can agree, this is necessary evil we can all live with.

But let us look outside your work, social media along with its multi-dimensional perks has brought many unconventional obligations of fantasy and absurd competition, you will only feel beautiful based on million-plus likes, and a thousand comments you have on your snap. As fake as a few comments are, are the posts real enough that you've shared? We measure how much we are loved by the number of Instagram followers we have. Our proficiency in poetry and art is judged by how many likes we have on our blogs. Does it mean I am a good enough artist or just that I have lots of acquaintances? Its a question yet to be answered.

Since we wake up till we sleep, it's all the pressure we subconsciously stress, which inhibits us from becoming our true self. We lose track of our core personality and become one of those machines which function well but has no empathy or compassion for any living soul around us. We push each other in queues or while taking an elevator. We don't accommodate people in our reserved space, we rarely ask our fellow traveller if they are okay, or can we help them somehow. And this is the obvious social norm these days, live for only yourself.

We are so busy exerting on how someone judges us, we are losing the basic human emotion which validates us in our own eyes. Maybe you won't have a huge number of the network following you but a few connection you might have will be genuine enough to keep reminding you of who you really are.

In a nutshell, let your creations make you happy, let you work make you feel proud. Once you have achieved a certain stature in your own eyes, maybe you won't require other's to validate your not so minuscule existence in some form or other.

Lucifer : Chapter 7

For story until now Go To the END : 

Chapter Seven – The Dark Prince

Thousand directions

Am aware of my existence

Every vibration

Every frequency

That’s endured

My darkness

My demon

As I remain

my soul lets go

I travelled across the dimension

I float in the night’s hollow

I exist in no form

No color

No shape I can’t transform

Haunted by my own subconscious

Hunted through the ages I lived

Running from my evil core

I chase myself

To capture to give in

A drop of nectar from heaven

An approval, a premonition

Something in the air

Something to come

Raising my cursed soul

Soul lost in the dark

Darkness that captures light

Light so bright,

as nothingness left inside.

What I am, 

if am not dark, 

evil and hideous

I am freak

Am awkward

I have only my uniqueness to abide

than comply with the world's guide

I will draw fuel from my blood
my wound never to heal

My scars will remind my battles

My fury, My rage

Will burn brighter every day 

As sun rises in the sky

And the shining sun burns my heart

I stand with my fallen soldiers

And wait for another night to fight.

-- To Be Continued

Until Now in Lucifer :

Chapter One : Samuel

Chapter Two : The Reason
Chapter Three – Battle at Heaven's Gate
Chapter Four– The Angels Return
Chapter Five - Lucifer Rises
Chapter Six – Pile of Death

Who I See in the Mirror?

You look at yourself in the mirror, might not like what you see, maybe you are too fat, or bit more tanned than usual. Then you look inside of yourself, through the depth of your own eyes, try to sail through the ocean full of memories, past experience swaying you between what if(s) and fantasies of maybe(s). But then you hit back the reality, falling through the cracks of your own fear and see how far below you stand. Suddenly your dreams are too far away and obligations are much more important to accomplish, basic necessities and moments of tiny comfort bubble, are something seem achievable. 

So you decide not to float away in imagination and let the heaviness of compromises settle you, glued to earth. Soon that heaviness is too much to bear, your passion of art and creativity left incomplete, still waiting at the corner of your study room, patiently waiting and hoping you haven't given up on them or on yourself. But every time you pass them, while you need to pick up your pen to sign another contract or agreement which might decide your road to the future, or maybe when you are in the study to pick your laptop while rushing to your office, your eye falls upon those long abandoned passion, and you glance that incompleteness in you. You're filled with regret, you remember it's been 7 years since you have touched your brushes and paints, it's been months since you wrote your story that's spinning in your head every now or then. In one hand you are doing a great at your job in your workplace but in another hand, you ask yourself if that's something you want to do forever? 

So that moment brings you standing in front of a mirror, judging yourself. You might see a thousand things that you might not like. You hate yourself for all the slips and maybe feel like living without a purpose. You know that the spark within you is burning out, and the faith in yourself seems dim. And you hit rock bottom without even realizing it. But rock bottom is the place where foundations were built. 

Suddenly universe invades with an intervention, you get to see yourself with someone else's eyes, the qualities you thought were cold and burnt out, were actually vibrant and glorious. Your personality is in the spotlight and world is your stage. You realize maybe I am too hard on myself, maybe the person you were judging so brutally in the mirror isn't that bad, maybe you have another shot and maybe you can rewrite that incomplete story and finish that piece of art that's still waiting for you in a corner of your room.

You need to realize, who you are, you always will be. Even you yourself can't change it. You will grow, gather experience, become stronger. The passion can never burn out, the dreams can become reality if you make a little attempt. You can float and fly, it will be your escapade and reality doesn't need to hit rather be real and big enough to accommodate your dreams to exist. The hurdles in the path of your dreams becoming reality are just white noise, you need to filter them out to make music. The only thing stopping you from becoming who you are and what you are meant to be is you yourself.

Another Perspective

Counting my days 

Taking each step
A little bit closer
Towards the inevitable
Towards my future's
present tense

As I bleed
And my conscience drain
In all that is vague
I see clear
Clearer I ever be.

Someone standing on other-side
Lurking and peeking
from the veil so divine
Where summer never comes
It's cold so brutal
Grey darkness prevail
As honest as its lies.

Walking further into a distance
Oblivious to my form
Drifting away out of my control
Is it too soon
To let go.

Gravity slipped away
But sky is still limitless
Floating in between
Am as restless as a butterfly
Like the smoke
Hung in-between
vanishing slowly as I rise

Away from Earth
Away from people
Away from everything
that makes me feel human

My only chance
To peek behind the curtains
To answer my questions
Who I am 

What's my purpose?

Someone waiting for me
I see as I take a peek
Only to send me back
It says,
"it's not your time"

Pulled by the earth's gravity
As everything, 

I have seen is vanished
moon setting into the darkness
As dawn breaks the sky

The Grey visage turns its pages
And I see the colors again
As warm as
the sunshine in the spring
Blissful pleasant breeze
And joy in the air.

"Here is your another chance"
I said to myself with honest heart
My final attempt
To live life
To pause and see
It's only beautiful
Hidden under
Ever saddening turns
And it's bright corners
Here it is the color I see
The choices I make
And It's only a perspective.