Thursday, May 23, 2013

Be My Guest...!! - V

For story until now Go To the END : 
Chapter Five - We Arrive!!

















Oh! Lord am so glad
you gave me this opportunity.
So glad I am
with today's morning beauty
I hum my song.
The scenery so beautiful
and so my journey.
Half of the Count's book is finished
and I feel so ready.
To meet the Count
to be introduced to the one.
Generations of Dracula
is so noble, so much history they carry
and so much to write on.
I was lost in my thoughts,
greeting the Noble Lord.

The exciting morning passed away,
and vanished into afternoon,
lovely soft breeze was now howling hot
the shinning sun, was blazing heat.
So I had close the window
for a protective shield.

Now its all dark
so I lit the lamp.
And here I am,
admiring the book's beauty
and every word in it.
Should I raise it to continue reading
or I take a nap for an hour or till evening?
oh!! the golden binding is so wondrous
I was drag to think about its mysteries,
speculating its history,
and I kept on thinking.
My eyes shut down
as my body move along
the motion train was moving.
I don't know when
but I hear
running train whistling
running train whistling...
And I sleep now...
listening to...
running train whistling...

Suddenly with a shock
a feeling of falling from a height
scare to my death
I woke up.
All startled and awake
I looked around,
still the adrenaline rushing
through my veins
so anxious I been
with sudden end
nightmare or dream, wasn't known.

Ain't even sure
what was I dreaming?
When I slept
and when noon was past behind?
It was all dark
and Mr. Ray was packing bags
I cleared my vision
and asked him "What's the time?"
"Its 2:30 AM my dear friend,
and in sometime we'll get down."
Oh my dear Lord
the moment is here.
How honored I will be
to meet the Count.
Am soon to find
the story of my life time.

Oh! my Lord thanks for this
Oh Mr. Ray thanks for this
Mr. Ray frowned,
"Why are you smiling, dear friend,
whats the reason for your excitement."
"Oh! am jus' glad,
Thanking God, to let me to meet you
Thanking you, for bring me with you."
"No, No don't thank me now already.
Very soon you'll be Dracula's Guest
the best treatment you may receive."
"I believe he is man of honor and luxury!!"
"Oh! he is the best host
in all history." He said smiling.

I collected my things
that I had unpacked
Now buttoning my bags
am ready for the train to stop.

To pass my time
I looked outside the window
I see horrendous scene
so many wolves chasing
all so bloody hungry,
with long, white, shinning teeth,
eyes all red looking right to me.

"Oh! dear Lord such a frightful scene"
I jumped back from the window
and startled my companion.
"What happened Watson?
What scared you so bad"
"Several wolves chasing outside
hungry for my meat
with red sparkling eyes."
Mr. Ray looked outside
leaping out of the window
and said in calm voice,
"Nothing's there
are you hallucinating?"
"Am not, it can't be
It was so real."
I threw myself at the window
only soft breeze was touching my face
and it was musically flowing,
playing smoothly passing through the woods.
But no sign of those wolves
no sign of anything
"it can't be, I saw 'em. I swear to God."
Mr. Ray sat next to me,
"I can understand,
you're tired from the journey."
and patted on my back
"We will rest in a Motel tonight
and will start for our destination,
later tomorrow."
He comforted me and pour me some tea
"Here!! I saved it from dinner,
in case we needed later."
"Thank you Mr. Miller. You are very kind."
"Don't worry Watson,
its jus the anxiety of meeting a huge personality.
And 'coz of long journey and tiredness
you falling asleep without knowing
and then you're dreaming
its jus the dreams scaring you.
Jus' bad dreams, don't you worry."
His comforting words consoled me,
"I think so, breeze is so soft and soothing
I might have fell asleep
and am probably tired.
These kind of animals
can never be real.
Sparkling red eyes,
long, pointed white teeth...
Can only be in dreams.
No... No.. Not real,
What I was thinking"
I smile and replied.
"That's true Joseph,
those things can't be real
red eyes, long teeth, furiously thirty for blood
those are only bookish.
Neither can be that beautiful lady
so seductive and precious
can't be real, other than being in dreams.
nor she may want to drink your blood.
and even if she is am here to protect you."
He said laughing.

it suddenly stuck me,
I never shared my story
of that dream, I had last night
The beautiful furious
lady wanting to drink my blood
I never told him
that she tired to seduce me
I never told him
she wanted my blood.
How he knew?
how he knew?
Is it that, all I have seen
all I have witnessed
everything is true?
3 nights and 2 days
its all playing my mind
am I dreaming
and what's real?
Are these frightening dreams?
No they are real
and Raymond knows it all
but he is hiding from me.
Hiding something important
Hiding something daunt.
Should I be alert?
Should I be scare?
Oh! Dear Lord, what I have got myself into
Oh! Dear Lord, Save me from whatever comes.

The train stopped,
beside a long dark station.
I must stop writing
Mr. Ray is waiting.
Its exactly 3:15 AM
I realize now,
its devil's timing
for all its evil propensities
in its highest force
tending to calamitous actions.
Oh! Lord, Save me from whatever comes.


-- To Be Continued...


Until Now in Be My Guest :
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Sunday, May 19, 2013

A Girl's Wedding

An Indian, well, a Bengali version of the LCO story - and a very personal one of all.
(Some things can't be summarized, and shouldn't be.)

I have been trying to write this post for a very long time, to be specific, one year and three months, but somehow my words have never been enough to describe my feelings, which emerge, flood, and cry out, all at the same time.

The questions I want to ask, the un-closed topics left loose without closure, the "what ifs" and the "am responsible" parts, never let me put my anxiety to rest. Suddenly those streams of unsettledness come over me and there I am, feeling all nauseated. I can't sleep, feel chocked all the time, stay restless and keep calling my husband at 3:30 AM asking him to talk to me, blaming him for everything wrong. But looking closely at the subject, I find he is one of the few people in my life, who haven't given up, who try, who come for me at 3:30 AM every time I call. He has been a friend and a brother, and I appreciate that. Maybe he hasn't grown up so much so as to be a husband yet, but I enjoy having him around as my boy-friend. Makes me feel young every time we are together.

But the subject still remains at the same point. Every time I sit down to pen this post, my hands get stuck, fingers numbed, and head captivated with a constant pain, with the agony of bleeding thoughts. Well, basically I sound like it had been a messed up day. No... my dear reader it was not. For I can say you get to know the best in people in the worst situations. Well I do believe in the statement. Because this day changed my perspective on living life. The tough part is that though I knew that perspective, but it still was the hardest part to mold myself in its shape.

Well after long wait, I am writing this as an obligation to my conscience, a story I deserve to pen down, a memory not to be lost, a picture to look at, to admire and try again.

Am thinking its gonna be a long post, so if you my reader are bored already and want to move on, this is the time. But if you choose to continue, am honored and will ask you to finish as this post is the most intimate and personal one I have written yet.



The day was 18th Jan 2011, when I fixed up my wedding date to be a year from then. All excited and geared up with full energy, I entered the house to tell my mom. My mother must have felt really awful for not discussing with her about the date, but she understood the heights of my joy. I was so on cloud nine and pumped up that I couldn't settle for several moments. Not b'coz I was marrying my prince Charles but b'coz I was gonna be a bride... Gonna be a bride, it still triggers a weird adrenaline rush through my veins.

Like every daughter's dream, I wanted to be a bride jus' like my mother. One of my biggest wishes was to have an elaborate traditional wedding with everything so perfectly pictured in my head. Even though as a person, I am not for typical traditional ways of living, but when it came to my wedding, starting from decoration, food, attire, jewelry, make up and even the photography had to be kept on a very traditional base. I had imagined this day to be the perfect day for me, jus' like in my dreams, jus' the way I had knitted 'em since my childhood. One of the happiest days of my life! Where I see my mother happy, smiling and my Charles posing the most stunning man in the universe. Three of us and our guest all enjoying the day and every moment together while celebrating our bondage.

A year passed planning the minutest to minutest details, stitching every shattered piece together, arranging and hunting for the best things available. And to top it all, I planned everything economically. Planned and planned and planned. My father never understood my effort or my feelings, that I was giving my best to make it a perfect day without bumping him with huge expenditure. But things turned to get depressing when he was caught up with the idea that his daughter was nothing but an outsider. He started hindering and fighting over everything. No matter how I tried to take him in, share with him all my plans, strategies and budget, he never accepted me. These relatives were the ones who could decide my dreams for me, and when they couldn't, they came down to shatter everything good about my day.

I jus' couldn't understand why someone would do that, take away the only day a girl is a bride, feels special, like a bright diamond who jus' wanted to glitter and be admired. Good thing is, a few of my dear well wishers were always there with me. My mother and of course, my dear husband have been the rock beside me with every decision, every turn and corner of this journey. The wedding day was planned, but it wasn't just a day, it was a whole year of ups and downs, happiness and sorrow, smiles and sobs, struggle and success. The three of us had been through a year, together. It wasn't easy to make a dream come true, to paint the picture, to celebrate the pieces in your head. But we did it. We finally and successfully arrived at the day. Even though a day before D-day, I was having that strange rolling feeling in my stomach, jus like the way we have before exams... can't I relax and carry on with tomorrow a day after? But 19th Jan 2012 had to come on 19th Jan 2012.

The saddest part is, in my head I had pictured that when the clock would strike 12 midnight, I would scream at the top of my voice and go around the room yelling "Am gonna be married today!!" But no, that didn't happen. My father's relatives had jus' left our house at 10 PM that night and had left the scene all gloomy and sunken. I could see the darkness of the night and nothing was hopeful anymore. I remember, when I saw the clock strike 12 I ran that imaginative picture of me screaming with excitement in my head, but in reality my grandma was hurt and mad, and my mother, whom I wanted to be the happiest and the most joyful, was heartbroken. Mother came to sleep beside me at 2 AM and soon after that I closed my eyes, and maybe that was the time I understood, I had to let go of my picture perfect dream day and wishes one by one. We jus' had to concentrate on surviving through the day.

I woke up at 4 AM, for there is a traditional ceremony where the bride eats some flattened rice with sweet curd, for she doesn't eat anything throughout the rest of the day after sun rise till she is wedded. The moments from when my reality started to defy my imaginations. Small details can't be jus' pointed out with words but each flash of memory is no lesser than a bullet going in circular motion, piercing through the heart and tearing through it with every rotation, every second. My dreams, wishes, hopes, all started falling apart.


We somehow managed to reach the location. One thing comforted me that at least the decoration was going well. The perfume of the mesmerizing Gul-e-Maryam (in Indian - Rajnigandha, in english - Tuberose) and roses painted a perfect picture jus like I had imagined. Sadly I couldn't take in that beauty for long. When all of my father's relatives entered, they started hampering small and big events in a row. Their stinky looks, evil propensities and malicious intentions weren't hidden from my eyes but I couldn't protest, for the sake of the day. Even I couldn't protect my mother's honor when I had to witness them disrespect her, and the heart break she had to go through, all for my sake. Father was nothing more than a mere guest, who didn't even know me. The image of a perfect day was long broken, the constant agony was jus what had to be consumed and swallowed for surviving the wedding day.

The day I had planned not to see my Prince Charles (For avoiding bad luck) had been so hard on me, that I felt I couldn't survive if its not the three of us together. I was breaking down and was trying to hold on to myself jus for my mother's sake. She had been through enough. and I couldn't let her see me breaking down, 'coz then she would definitely break. My dear maid of honor was really a rock to me when she held me and comforted me. She was there throughout, and it was more than I could have wished from a friend and from a sister. My uncle (my mom's brother) was the man who gave it his everything to jus let me hold on to the hope, for he knew that it was falling. My mother saw nothing about herself, just me and my wishes. And my to-be-husband that day, had only one intention in his heart, to make me happy, and keep me smiling. If for that he had to tear his chest and pull his heart out, I believe he would have done it. Helplessly he heard me sobbing, not able to hug me or comfort me, he intended to come and take care of the decoration, and make it as perfect as we had planned and as I had imagined.

I was the bride and looking at myself in the mirror, I could jus cry. Not 'coz the reflection was as perfect as I had imagined, but 'coz the music of my to-be-husband entering the wedding grounds gave me a feeling that even though nothing was perfect, I had the perfect companion with me who gave me hope. I was standing at a point where my reasoning for the wedding day was changed, it wasn't about being the bride any more but its about the marriage, and its about the perfect companion. But in a moment or two its hard to mold into that mind set and let go of the image imagining in the head.



My heart broke when I saw the empty room, where there was no point of being the center of attention, even though I was the shiniest diamond, the bride I had always imagined to be. I was sad seeing that my aisle was not lighted, that the path I was walking on was dark ('coz my light man had betrayed me). But then that day changed my perspective. In Bengali tradition the bride is carried by brothers and uncles to the wedding spot. I had never conveyed to my uncle that I wanted him to be the man who can give me up to the groom, but when he came to me and offered to do so, my dark path suddenly lit up. The emptiness of the room hurting my heart jus' vanished when I removed the betel leaves covering my face and after the longest 24 hours of wait, saw my prince, smiling and blinking his eyes to communicate, he was there with me, and everything from then on, whatever good or bad, he would be there. The whole wedding I didn't... couldn't concentrate on or hear the mantras (Bengali weddings are conducted with a series of mantras), but all I was hearing, even though all the words were silent, was that the companion am taking today will be loving me, will protect me, comfort me and intend to keep me happy. Everything about him, his eyes, his posture, told me to trust him, that he was determined to spend the rest of his life with me, no matter how worse the situation gets. He was serious all through the ceremony, which I complained about, but true to say, he meant it when he said wedding was no joke, and what he did that day was taking our marriage seriously. Even after loosing faith repeatedly, my heart longs to trust him every time I remember those moments.



I looked for my mother and saw an ocean of sorrow in her eyes but not a single drop of tear. I saw hope, I saw a pledge, I saw a mother, a sister, a friend, who gave up her whole life jus' to keep me safe and happy. I saw my friend, my maid of honor, even though I never offered her that job she held on throughout the day, playing the part to perfection. She'd been there like that friend I must have earned by doing plenty of good deeds. I saw my uncle and watched him give up his hunger, running to fix everything so that I don't feel anxious. I made a brother that day, who protected my honor and gave me company. I saw my granny, she was relieved and at peace and wishing me the best. I saw my aunt, she'd been there doing everything li'l to big and loving me truely. Even though my father turned into a stranger, I brought a stranger into my life, who is the partner I will shared my deepest and most intimate secrets with, a stranger who became a reflection, a better half, a part of me. I had a few but the brightest diamonds around me. And the fact is that for 'em I was the shiniest one. I may not be the center of attention for all, but these people really valued me, and everything they opted for was wishing the best for me and making me smile and happy.


But at the end of the day, my body couldn't take it any more and I might have skipped few beats, my brain was shut senseless and when my senses came back I was literally the center of attention. But the two best things about coming back,  I got a chance to live this wonderful life with my companions, and when I came back I recognized my husband (weird calling him that, and maybe it will be so for the next 20 years). It felt great when I came to know that I recognized him when I came out of my unconscious senses. It was a kind satisfaction that my heart and soul had accepted, loved the new change in status.

Even-though we didn't start the day perfectly and some how intended to jus survive, but this longest day of broken hopes and creating new dreams was amazing. I look at us in the photos, other than cursing the photographer for being an amateur in the field, I appraise the perfect bride I made. It was jus the way I had imagined, being a picture of my mother. The decoration was nearly perfect, I can live with it. But most of all, the perfect companions I had made the event successful and satisfying for me.

When recreating these thoughts in my head, and visiting that memory lane. This day, the 19th Jan 2012, always starts with the memories of gruesome, painful thoughts, but when I keep thinking about it, it always flies over me as the best part of my life. It restores hope in the future and faith in self. The journey planning this day was more like knowing each other better for all three of us, my mother, my husband and I connected, settled, and bonded together while taking this journey. That one day, the day taught us how a day of wedding was more of a voyage of life, where some people will be there wanting to harm us while others will be there to always pull us out of the worst. But most of all restoring faith and trusting each other with patience is all it needs to survive life. Above all I learnt, "Its never about a perfect wedding, its just a day and it passes away. Its always about a perfect marriage." That I already have and shall cherish forever.



If needed, that wedding day can be created again in my future, if given a chance, the same way its still in my head. The thing I had to let go, and I couldn't do the first time, I can do again. And I know my well wishers will be there to support me, and some more new friends will be added. A day of celebration is never gone. Whats important is to have the right partner. And my mother and husband had been and will be perfect partners I will always share my life with.



Fun fact : I never got married to actually have a marriage but to have a wedding. The journey to which made me realize the actual fact of life, marriage is much more important than wedding. And a good or bad wedding has got nothing to do with a good or bad marriage. Efforts should be put as honestly towards a marriage as religiously as I put towards my wedding. One of the best days in my life is 19 Jan 2012, and that day will come every year. And some year I will have my dream wedding, 'coz I already have my dream marriage, and a perfect relationship.

P.S : This post 'A Girl's Wedding' is a realization that wedding is only a part. Dream about it, enjoy the day but live the marriage you cherish.
Jus' realized, today's 19 May 2013. Exactly one beautiful year and four magical months and counting...
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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Existence In Ignorance















The memories of
those long lost days,
the soul searching
will never come to rest.
A peaceful sleep
with dreams of hope,
Its too much to ask
'coz it will never be whole.
No peace will be found
yen that doesn't exist.
Let your heart put to rest,
the deception to be fooled with,
devotion is disrespected
and love is lost in broken lanes.

Soul put to rest,
Soul rest in peace.

Ignorance mantle
the hollow affection,
I understand the void
the hole of wishes
to carry on.
Heart will beats torpidly
dolor of despairs.
Its enough I can endure
but there's more to own.
Worthy to get wounded
prosecuted to execute
their punishments
the words of judgement.
Strangled innocence
suffocating spirit,
demising existence.
Breathless my chocked throat
eyes weeps tears
and my heart drowned,
abandoned in frozen hole.
When the agony numbs
the walking defunct
live in affliction.

But still I love
and I still hate
for I care
with every breath.

Soul put to rest,
Soul rest in peace.

Yearning your hatred,
instead of your blindness,
choice of rejection
of my existence,
damaged my faith
shaken in turbulence.
I love and I hate
till I have existence.

Now storm is gone
battle is over
no prisoner taken
and blood everywhere.
Now everything is over,
Love put to rest,
oh! the holy love song,
long been gone,
go rest in peace.
No perspiration shared
to mend this broken being,
no tears to roll
while leaving separate ways.
Nothing left to collect
of this scattered soul.

Now everything is over,
and storm has passed on
In silence I weep
with pieces of my heart.
I scream with woe
and warm tears flow down
but cold is my void,
hollowness in myself.

Soul put to rest,
Soul rest in peace. 

My heart is broken,
with several stokes
my heart is broken,
jus' with your words.
I understand the rejection
I understand my stand today
I understand it never meant to be
and I was never to be whole.

Soul put to rest,
Soul rest in peace.

Now walking the other direction
I will turn for the last glance
Goodbye in my heart
Love and hate, till I die.
Kept watching from a distance
I see you walk by,
never will you turn
to look back at your past life.
As if I have never existed
never there to be gone.
There is nothing behind,
you left nothing behind.

Mourn I can
Mourn I will
Mourn my soul
for this closing will.
I have lost someone,
I loved and hated
I have lost someone
who once existed.
Who has parted now,
into air of ignorance
I was never there for him
existed in any form.
No memory no fragrant of me
nothing of me
to be carried on.

Lost soul put to rest,
Lost soul rest in peace.
Lost soul never to found
Lost in oblivion.

But there is future again,
as your way is wide open,
my path will lead me somewhere
I ain't know right now
but propensities are several.
No hope for us
I obtain.
but there is life again,
A life to carry on
A life where I can be someone
A life where I will exist
My ipseity* will have a definition
there is life again
A life where I belong.
May not be us ever
but there is a life ahead,
A life of my existence.

*Latin Origin; Definition-self hood; individual identity, individuality
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