A sudden realization of "you don't matter" is same feeling as getting hit by thousand bolt of lightning. Left shocked and baffled you keep questioning every instance in the past. Mind wandering to the possibilities of what if.
What if, it was sooner, might my heart bled less. What if, I didn't move, I still would have those friends. But the what ifs, are the "if" defining the beginning of the moments before choice to share your life, what if I could have seen the red flags even before starting this heart tormenting series of moments that reached the actuality. What if, I never brought him into our lives and at least saved my loved ones from the misery of betrayals and the aching pain and void of asking why, with echoing silence and torture of no answer.
But at the end you still stand baffled, with an expressionless face and with questioning eyes, realizing you don't matter, you never did. You were jus' another pawn to sacrifice on someone else's game. And now when you are useless to them, you are jus' another piece of garbage stuck on their shoes, which can easily be scraped off. And the same noise reflecting from the walls, keep telling you - "you don't matter"
It's not a surprise, you knew this. Then why the wondering and questioning. There is nothing called we were meant to be, your sacrifices were your own, no one begged you for it. You thought you should 'coz that someone mattered to you, you can't demand the same considerations. You kept your minuscule life on hold, because you believed you were not capable of greatness, you helped him coz you knew you couldn't achieve it. And now that, what you knew is known to the world and to him, you are surprised? He knows you aren't capable of anything, you are now a dry and bitter lowest form of human being. His friends saw it, his family said it and you knew it every time you looked into the eyes of your own reflection. You knew the secret and the facade of confidence you maintained but like your dark secrets that you shared with him, he knew the chink in your armor and he waited for the right time to kick you on the curb and move on. Don't you think you deserved it? You gave him all the weapon and then expected him to do what - not to take advantage. How naive are you?
There are no saints, when push comes to shove, everyone is on their own. And if you didn't stand your ground is because you are a loser. The world doesn't revolve around you, and "you don't matter"
