Without You...

Have I ever told you
how much you mean to me
you are my night's sleep
you are the air I breadth
you may be the worst mistake
I made
but I will do it all over again
if I can

I will do it all over again,
if I can
With a perspective of perfection
with more delicacy and passion

Some days end up in the darkness
recovering from it
to harness
if you love me
I love you
A promise to you for
forever and always

Have I ever told you
how you inspire me
sometimes but true
to make me believe
I miss you
I need you
I can't imagine a life without you.

But still if there is a way
I will try to escape
from us
away from you
drift in the cloud
but then that silverlinning
you bring in the darkest nights
sometimes but the truth is true
Life without you
will be hole in my heart.

Have I ever told you
How I imagine
you without me
but still can't picture
and if I paint it,
it makes me scared
what I will do without you,
What I will do if you're not there.

There are several
reasons not to trust
to break it off
and not to last
still one reason to hold on
the one reason I find in you
the reason to be together
for you love me
and I love you.

Those long walks on beach
a silence so long
I still hear your breathing
then those little things
about you annoying me
But now I think of
it only bring smile on me.

Have I ever told you
the way you color my life
the shades of darkness
and paint me with life
oh!! am so mad at you
and so much I hate you
but only because
I don't have a life
without you.

A Speck of Hope

Before you start my post you got to know what am speaking about so here is History of Goddess Durga

The sculpture of Goddess Durga from Hindu Mythology is my first detailed Sculpture, Before this I have made sculpture of Lord Ganesha from Hindu Mythology, which is 5 cm small idol.

The picture on the left is appearance of the sculpture when it was yet to dry.

While drying there were breakages and cracks at several spots, which I had to repair after the sculpture was fully dried.

This sculpture is made from clay taken from shores of Ganges River in India. Well actually My Uncle, who is also an Artist and famously known as T or Tapas Kar Roy, gave me this unique kind of clay, giving me an opportunity to try my hands on a field I always thought was impossible for me.

Now the Picture you see on the left is after the repairs were done and the sculpture been fully dried up.

This figure is 8-9 inches tall. And made over an wooden board.

All my childhood when I used to watch my Uncle giving life to the still motionless idols and envy him for his talent (which he never learnt nor taught me) I wished one day I could do it too.

This is my first, and I know this art needs lot of learning and understanding to actually create a perfect figure. But this is nothing less than a great achievement for me. That I have the possibility of doing something I could only wish.

It gave me a hope, that nothing is impossible. And the fact that I was really not prepared to sit down give shape to it and was more like I was drawn to it, is an experience which gives me goosebumps. Wait until you read rest of it, it was hardly a week or two before the Durga Puja at India (Link to know more about it) when I started with this sculpture.

And finished it during the 6th day of this auspicious occasion. This was a heavy but glorified feeling and an overwhelming experience.

Well, now the pic at the left only a black & white version of the completed sculpture.

After the sculpture was all complete, we put it for a small homely 'Puja' (Meaning : Worship). My mom decorated it with flowers and we put sweets and fruit and wished for peace.

It was a handful of experiences, than jus' an experience of creating something.

Its been a long time I am able to write something here for my readesr, truth is am travelling through a mist right now, seems like my journey is directionless, am not sure where am headed. There is so much to decide on that am getting numb every time I think about it. And every attempt is leading me to another failure and another block.

In this situation, I am trying to fetch any hope that's coming on my way and trying to grab it. No matter how small is it, I need to hold on to anything for survival. Maybe everyone does that, maybe we try to seek bigger meaning when we can't figure our own meaning.

Well, I have several half written, unfinished posts with me which I have been writing or trying to write. But nothing good enough, rather more of scattered words. A couple of days back I wrote this nice song, was really happy about it too. But then my iPod battery went dead and so with that my lost song.

As I always say, the gone be gone, but can't help feeling sad about it. I am very much numbed, feeling as if I have given up on myself, my surrounding and my determination of seeking purpose. But this is not it, I don't wanna give up and the more I think about it, the more strongly I feel about it and struggle with myself to fight it. Somehow the more I fight the more numb I am becoming.

Finding a speck of hope in the pit of darkness is really a difficult task, But until I know there is a speck, I will continue searching.

At least, I will not Give up.

So, I share with you a small glare of hope I have in this foggy sail, a figure of Goddess which came to me from no where. And with this I wish that my fellow readers and everyone else out in the world find that little speck of hope that can bring you out of the darkness of tough times. Be calm and don't give up trying to fight this feeling of giving up.

I know its difficult, am doing it since few years now, and the darkness has grown stronger around me since few months, but maybe I can help you and maybe you can help me. And tomorrow maybe there is a dawn for all of us.

A wish for a speck of Hope!!

Again

I see the memories being erased

Called to the broken pieces

To connect, to merge

To frame a picture

I remember.

Drifted apart from the

Better or worse

Sway between

What’s real, what’s not

Reach out to you

Stretched my open arms.

What was it?

Where I am from?

Losing my existence

Losing myself

Tears can’t heal the pain

Emptiness, a void

Hollowness of unreal world.

It was gone

Before I could remember it,

for the last time.

It left my sight,

Before I could say goodbye

Or I apologies.

To whom, for what

I didn’t have chance

To be remind.

Incomplete pieces left paused forever

Chapters unwritten,

Unfinished book with untold ending.

It was gone,

Before I noticed it was there

I have lost

Something probably I never had.

A morning so new so bright

I was like a baby,

Abashed, blurry, anxious

The world stopped

Time still

Unknown place

And unknown people.

There was a guy

Charming and handsome

I looked at him

With my confused eyes

Scared, numbed,

No word or no language

To express what I felt inside

My heart was beating so hard

Choked nothing to utter.

He came closer,

He sat by me,

Held my hand

Consciously with a soft touch

I noticed he was so careful

So delicate as he could break me

His hands were so warm,

A comfort in that cold room

His touch was like I have known him

A sudden spark

A current through my veins

Rushing adrenaline trying to wonder

What is it? Why can’t I remember?

He put his other hand on my cheeks

I was drawn, I leaned to him

With all my heart

as I could trusted him.

He said, “Sometimes it’s good

You don’t remember

We leave the past

Like every page was burnt

The load we carried

Now we light our weights

Wiping our tears

We move ahead.

To face my greatest fear

I have known to live in darkness

Past these three months

Losing you every second

Lost you sometimes

And feared its forever.

The man I am

My life I have

What it means

If you aren’t there?

The complains, the fights

The laughter, the smile

The high pitched screams

The hide and seeks.”

With tears rolling his cheek,

He continued saying this,

“Sometimes it’s good

To bury the past

With laughs there comes pain too

The scars dragging you back to agony

Every little fight

Bringing back the worse memories

The mistakes I made

I can’t explain

The choices I stood for

I pay the price everyday”

He moved my hairs from my face

He held my hand a bit tight,

“Sometimes it’s good

To forget what we had,

Sometimes it’s better

To have a new start

But to also collect sweet goodness of past

The moments I can never forget

The memories I cherish everyday

I live to share with you always

To remind you what is love.”

He smiled and kissed my hand,

Like he was lost in his memories

He shared as he said,

“You always told,

You wanted to be a bride,

I was your best friend

You had taken your vows with

But you never knew

What love means

And what it is to be in love.

Sometimes it’s good

To forget all that

To start again with new hopes

We vow to each other

I mend the bridges and the gaps

A life for us to be together

To walk on beaches

To grow old together.”

He opened a velvet box

With a bright rock,

He wiped his tear and knelt

In an awkward position,

“All I ask you today

Will you marry me again?

Give me a chance to show

Forever and always

How immensely I love you,

For eternity with all my heart”

Be My Guest - X

For story until now Go To the END : 

Chapter Ten -  The Letter

Dear Mr. Watson,

First of all let me beg you

an humble apology for such tough trip

You had to go through

And come so far from home.

It's my honor to have you

As my guest.

I wish you find what you search for

And it worth all the trouble

and pain you had to bear

Not to mention

Such long trip

In search of something to inspire.

Let me introduce myself

Am your host Count Dracula

And am personally at your service

At any time of the night

But not day though

The job I have

Keeps me away from home

Most day time.

Please accept apologies

For that.

I make sure I arrange everything

Very neatly before I leave

For my day shifts

So that my guest

doesn't find any trouble

Without me.

There something you should know

We don't have much people around

And my family fortune

Is pretty washed off

For the past few years

Been rough ones

So its all you and I

In this house

No people and no maids or servant

I hope you won't mind.

I also hope you find your room cozy

I understand its nothing like home

But I tried my best to arrange

The finest room in the house

But if you find anything uncomfortable

Or if you feel you want it changed

Please feel free

The house is open to you

You may stay in any room you wish.

I hope you feel like home here

And wish you very best of luck

For you finding your inspiration

Every brick every piece in this house

Is history

You have complete freedom

To explore yourself.

But be very careful

This is an old town

And way away from city

This house

Is near to the jungle too

So in nights you may hear

Wolves and hyenas

And probably other creatures

They move around the house

Most nights

But nothing to worry as long as

All the doors at shut closed

And you're in the house

The creatures are wild

You can't blame for the way they act.

With all the good wish,

and best of lucks

I wish you a happy stay

and want to thank you

For being my guest.

                                        Your host,

                                        Count Dracula

                                                                 -- To Be Continued...

Until Now in Be My Guest :

Chapter One - Boarding The 3:15 Train

Chapter Two - Solitude As I Had Asked For

Chapter Three - A Dream So Real
Chapter Four - Breaking Dawn to Break Free
Chapter Five - We Arrive!!

Chapter Six - 666

Chapter Seven - The Dread Room
Chapter Eight - The Dread Room Continues

Chapter Nine - Is Everything Real?

Further on :

Chapter Eleven - The First Meeting
Chapter Twelve - Wanderin' Among The Dead
Chapter Thirteen - Nightmares in the Castle of Dracula
Chapter Fourteen - Midnight Conversation

Curse!!

Surreal flow in mesmerizing chores,
then chords broken with hustle loudness,
something smashed,
someone's scared
battle ended but beginning of war

Drowsy sleep
intoxicated with evil
faithful loneliness
sorrow enslaved
slowly poisoned into the vain
chocked and suffocated,
spill your guts.

Have the spirit left
drift away
sway to the hell
burn in hell's fire.
Warp in hallucinating cast
is it beauty
or a trap?

Oh! fire of hell
lit my soul
burn me in ire
to become ashes with no shape
with no matter

Oh! spirits of curse
grab my heart
and pull it out of my bosoms
squeeze it to the last drop
dry it out of emotion, of love.

Oh! the ripper of death
tear my skin
pull out each inch
slit the last bit
so that I don't feel.

Darkness drown me
in its evil
turning me, suffocating,
chained in lifeless boundaries
No heartbeat,
No pain,
I look at my reflection
with no image.
What made me turn so dark
was it my love
or my prejudice
my curse has cursed me back
in the cold grave
Am lifeless walking dead.

Still I hear your surreal chores
war is over, I sleep in peace
until blood thirst my throat
Eyes open with crimson fury
no mercy, no sparing
I come for you
I hunt for innocence
I rip it, I tear it
as I have been torn
I swallow your spirit
and unleash my curse
a curse so monstrous
a curse with no escape
Neither death can save you
be'coz you're too a walking dead.

Its once I was in Love

Sorrowful bliss comes shading the way
A sign of silver lining
looking for hope and believe in
If I can leap
I can jump
if there is a way back to your heart

Oh! so beautiful, life was
the first time, falling in love
heart raising, beating strong
as loud as I could hear its rhythm
waiting for you
until you come
hold your hand and walk on
The first kiss,
do you remember?
A memory vivid
so fine, so sudden.

Can't time stay still
can't I go back
to cherish a few good start
to know each other
to believe in
even though nothing said
nothing's heard

Now you say everything
You ask me to trust
you swear for me to believe
but why can't we go back
when sudden kiss
could fix all the fights
when we knew
this was about love
nothing else matter
until one day you broke my heart

My world crashed
then there we paused
the story stopped
and lost its way
promises never made
then what to say
I wish I could have turned
and be gone

Love stories aren't epic,
its not a fairy tale,
as every girl imagines.
Its fake faith
still we walk in,
we choose to believe
on that prince Charming.
Someone who dares
someone to hold on
who says he will jump with me.

There is a John, There is a Jack
who comes now and then
to restore my belief,
waiting for that story
for a shining silver lining,
a light of hope
in the blissful sky.

So cruising through memory lanes
admiring the past
I laugh at the foolish fights
I mourn on lost causes
shed few tears for the loss
nothing to change
its present,
am locked down of the past

If so be it
I choose to spend my life
living in the memories of the gone
torn brown pages
turned over
maybe not epic
but its my story
its once I was in love.

Survive

Extreme has reached

Now its time for a disaster

bomb shell waiting for a boom

its jus a matter of ticktock 

until the last clicking sound 

before the explosion.

I hoped there is a way to go

a path we saw to follow

not only you snatch that away from me

but you left me breathless to die

leaving me hollow

Am gonna soon lose my life

and you gonna clap about it

standing on my funeral

you'll smile on your victory

I never knew 

what I have done to deserve this

a light to merge with 

even that I can't perceive

I am the lost spirit 

there is no way for me

A home, a family

a lost cause for me.

A life I had imagined

scratched the picture 

with your finest deceives

now I am left with nothing

took all, my dream, my life

away from me.

Lost without a name 

I wander in dark woods

until a monster hunt for me

and tear me up 

turn me into spirit

I hoped there is finally a relief

so wrong I am

I ain't even deserve it 

my tears cost nothing

not even its to mend something

the coldest heart I see the watcher has.

How I seek a place for my salvation

I need to reach a point

from where there is no turning around

from where there is no coming back

a place for me 

not lonely, but where am complete

not to wander anymore,

only for my life and me

to survive this world.

The Lucifer

Why am gonna be betrayed
again and again, so several times
Why I will be humiliated
so many times,
pointed with fingers,
laughed at,
rest of my scattered soul.

My tormented heart
bleeding tears, Crying
"Why? Why and Why?"
asking every sole,
Noise of my own echos
oh! clutter my head
with evil rhymes.

Can't think anymore
Stopped feeling so long ago
With my broken faith
I can go a distance
but every door is closed.
Everyone shows my position
Questions called upon me
dismantled my whole existence,
where to hide my disgraced face
No place I can seek
Nothing left with me.

Is this what I deserve,
how my lanes are turning
am unable to pace up.
There goes another pair of judging eyes
lost sense under being judgmental
defrauded by baseless assumptions
living each day pretending to own self,
deceiving others
and ignoring my perseverance.

Crushing my hopes
you think you achieved a lot
Sticking in this misery
What am I?
Am I a sadist,
or forever vowed to live under slavery?
I ask this question
again and again
to myself, to my reflection
Do I have to break to be born again
Do I have an escape, if I not choose my stand.

After the bloody saturation
reached limit and crossed over
I see no light
I see nothing that can save me tonight.
Am drowning in the quick sand
am covered till my neck
chocking and suffocated
am waiting for my death.
Then a miracle
a golden shimmering light,
from my forehead dropped on the musty ground
for a fraction of that moment
reflecting my image
catching my eyes
my only savior in lonely frame
there is no one else
but I.

I have been good,
Oh! I have been so very good.
But now its time for the evil,
to be on its full spirit
arise and devour
quench my thirst with your blood
destroy each soul
until heaven drowns in crimson

You have awoken
my vile spirit,
now you have to pay a price
with your honor
with your life.
You killed my soul
thence the angel has died.
With fury of hatred
I am born again,
heartless monster I walk the pane
there is no mercy
You will have no savior
you trapped with me now
I am The Lucifer

Be My Guest - IX

For story until now Go To the END : 

Chapter Nine -  Is Everything Real?

Wake up!
Wake up!
Wake up Joseph
get afar from your dreams.

Oh! confused mind
wandering every night
frustrating as I sleep,
as I dream
I see creatures crawling,
wolves chasing
I see beautiful and voluptuous lady
trying to feast on me.

Precarious precipice
I wake up in another unknown scene
Oh! Load what's happening to me,
Where I am?
Where I am?
I ain't know when I slept last night
that weird dread room
left behind
now I am somewhere else
unknown scene
Is this a dream.

I search for my journal
To write this
It was left on table
Jus like I remember
Leaving it
But that was a different room
How I reach this place

Am panicking, am panting
I can't explain how weird is this
How i can make anyone believe
Of what am witnessing

The letter
The letter from the count
I had in my hand last night
Before I went into the dead sleep
I need to find it
Where is it
Maybe it will answer my questions
Maybe it will talk sense in me
Where is it
Where is it
Am going crazy
Where is it?

Until Now in Be My Guest :

Chapter One - Boarding The 3:15 Train

Chapter Two - Solitude As I Had Asked For

Chapter Three - A Dream So Real
Chapter Four - Breaking Dawn to Break Free
Chapter Five - We Arrive!!

Chapter Six - 666

Chapter Seven - The Dread Room

Chapter Eight - The Dread Room Continues

Further on :
Chapter Ten - The Letter?
Chapter Eleven - The First Meeting
Chapter Twelve - Wanderin' Among The Dead
Chapter Thirteen - Nightmares in the Castle of Dracula
Chapter Fourteen - Midnight Conversation

Pay it Forward

Yesterday, I helped a woman.
She was choking and coughing brutally.
Her eyes were filled with tears
she was suffocated breathlessly

She got a son
and a husband
sitting next to her with no response
no water on her table
in the restaurant.

I was sitting few tables away from her
I was about to get up and take my water
My mom stopped me,
she said,"No"
Its not that she doesn't want me to help
she was scared if something bad happens
they would blame it on us

Yes, world has turned that way
you rise to help someone
and you think twice, thrice
and maybe four times

My mother taught me a lesson
feel for everyone and reach out to help
but today the world is different
and many point of views are in place

I called my husband
asked the waiter
to immediately give her some water
Her son seem to help her
with her inhaler
and her husband had still no response

Thank god! the waiter reached her table
with three glasses of water
soon she was in relief
after drinking that heaven water.

Well, nothing much we did yesterday
for her
But when I passed by
she held my hand and smile
she said, "Thank you so much"
I was jus awkward and replied,
"It was my duty"

We didn't even catch her name
neither she knows us
but that moment was humanely
and I found peace in my heart
a fuzzy feeling i didn't understand
but bet you it was a great
feeling you can't imagine.


What we did yesterday
was nothing for her
We jus' been human
and we felt for her
Its what human do
and should do
not thinking twice, thrice
or maybe four times
What has become of the world
Why can't we help each other
not thinking of the danger
not thinking of the blaming
we may face
or get tangled

What has become of the world?

Today when I am here
and am writing this
I wish I could have told her this
"Don't say Thanks to me,
It was my duty
Jus' be humane to someone in need
pay it forward in small or big gifts."

Worldians!!

The dark haunting empty room
speaks for the clearance
there is a way to reach
your destination
where you attain peace
where grass is really green

chasing the fate for such a long time
lost the focus of your goal
a place where salvation exists
with world's heart beating on one beat

Shared difference
shades of colors
but together it paints
beauty and glory
this world come to be one
no boundaries, no religion
no color of skin
to deceive eyes of believer.

The darkness can fade discrimination
darkness can tell you what's real
let us find that peace
reach out to strangers
and make 'em a part of this belief
together, we build world peace
together, we're The Worldians.

Scared of Fright!!

A fright is a dark soul
comes to consume
it feeds on you
and your raising pulse
It uses your nightmare
Its your core fear
it speaks for you
and its your reflection
assumed to be true.

It manipulates you
it makes you question,
yourself, your perspective,
your trust in thyself.

A fright is a dark soul
comes to consume
it feeds on your beating heart
and devour your cast
tear open your chest
it pulls your guts out.

Fright is your enemy
a wall before you,
you got to climb.
It blinds you,
your perception to see,
perceiving drastic illusion,
deceive you into false beliefs.
Fear is not real, my friend!
Its only an assumption
its you yourself,
you're afraid to stare

Facing your enemy
brings out the reality,
the big monster
actually open to vulnerability.
It could be worst to know
it can be good too
its jus a choice for your clarity
an end of ordeal chase finally.

Now its out in open
its all real
and you know your vanity
Its your inhibition
its all about you,
you got to accept it
or you sweat assuming,
fear to fail or
thy scare of thyself
choose to live in fright
than facing your true self.

Separate Worlds

I am drifting away

Falling apart

Scattering into several pieces

I hoped you will come

Collect my soul

And make me whole

Saving from myself

But today am drowning

Getting away,

Far from you

I am drifting away

Falling apart

There is no us

In that future land

There will be you

There will be I

But living in our separate worlds

A wall has been framed

My world I dreamed is erased

The day of end

Starts today

  

I am drifting away

Falling apart

Scattering into several pieces

It is your choice

It is my life

but now we live in separate worlds.

Am Jus' a Ghost

Am jus' a ghost
a reflection fading away
now am gone to past
and left forever
passed afar.

I quit,
am not a fighter
I can't fight any more
Jus' tried holding on to you
but then why you let me die
Drown me
till my breadth gave up
on my life.

Am jus' a ghost
a reflection you saw
now am gone to past
fading from your memories
you moved on with your life
like I never been existed
vanished over a blink.

You were my future
but now am your past
I had been your life
so you jus' took it away

My heart was in you
Love is all I knew
But who could have known
you were jus a gullible mistake

Now only I pay that price
and my love one still cry
when you dump me
and crushed my faith
cut open my throat wide

A month later
someone found me
I was rotten
crying badly
My heart still couldn't believe
How you could have drown me

No one could tell
even if they see
Nor did I tell
when I should have seen

Now am jus a ghost
fading away
deceived by you
I could see your guilt

Wherever we are now
it shouldn't have ended this way
You are haunted by me
and by memories of hunting me.

- Inspired by "No One would Tell" dedicate to Stacy Collins (Real life story of Amy Carnevale). This shouldn't have happened to anyone.

Do You Need Me?

Am caught between
the delusion and reality
if am wanted
if there's a need for me

My time seems to be passing on
and every step I take
with no moving on
With no purpose
no part to play
and everything seems to be
meant for nothing

I ask who am I
for whom am living my life
Why I bear the pain
Why I have to sustain
my faith shaken by crushed fate
if they want me
if there's a need for me

Today what I see
is this my clarity
my existence is all the same
even without me.

Am caught between
the delusion and reality
if am wanted
if there's a need for me?

Cadaverous Soul

My heart is bleeding
my scars ain't heal
my soul is crying for an escape
but six feet seem too far

I tear my heart open
and shot my self in chest
but I can't feel
I saw everything around me perish
I can't do much
is this all I am here to stay

Now am drowning in the water
to escape my suffocation
I can at least try
when I can't fix anything
but still am here
am not gone
can't even rest in my grave

the nails in my coffin
can't hold me in
am chained with this punishment
paying for eternity
I am looking for a place to hide
but everything is ruined

Put me in front of guns
let your bullets
make me whole again
my thoughts are taken away
and my mind has left my soul
nothing ever built to last
I have lost everything
I had ever set to cast

Let me be gone
pass into the light
with you be I
if you try to grab my hand
I can come home
like last sunshine
shining bright on my eyes
And I close my eyes
for the final time.

When its time to leave my life behind
I seek peace where you are
where my world is whole
let me be gone
pass into the light
let me rest now
in peace into my grave
to its all you and I.

My Rock!!

Passing through the memory lanes,
noticed something bright,
shining rock with sparkling shine,
oh! my diamond forever,
reminds my love
growing strong.
Heart throbs
and beautiful smiles,
together we bound
with scared ties.

Stand by me,
my rock you be
for better or for worst
together we'll be.
I fall, I fail
but you're my savior
My knight all along
you're my lone rider.

The unwritten vows
never need be to
say those words,
still you know I feel it
as unproposed conventional love.

Its jus' like a fairy tale
a struggle for that perfect day
someday, one day,
it will come.
We wait for it together
hand in hand
you beside me
you be my rock!

Remember those Past Songs

I need to remember
the songs from the past
Memories with you
I have left so far
Can there be
a time again
in the future I see
Can we be one again
the way we used to be

Do we need sometime
to clear our heart
what we want
and where we suppose to be,
is there a separate way
or let the judgement call

A day or two
we been together
if I have known you
and you have know me
Can there be a story
that we can share together
the glory of the past
and future seems better
take my hand
lets walk together
write long hand letter
and walks on the beach
Sun going down
in the lake beside home
where we grow older
and die together

Can we see each other
in the future we believed in
Do we have a story
and cherish the future past 

Abandoned Pieces

I bet every writer has half a dozen of unfinished articles, verse, unpublished pieces. So do I, not because I have been busy, well that one of many reasons for a few, but mostly because I got lost with my thoughts and the destination I had directed was distracted. When I write, when anyone starts writing, we try to dig in and find that itch factor in the brain where you can’t really reach. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling, so writing, painting and singing are few of many outlet people choose to let out this suppressed thoughts with a hope to meet conclusion. Why most of my unfinished stories left abandoned is because I couldn’t reach conclusion. And without conclusion it seems unfinished which can’t be published and soon abandoned.

Fright is a close companion, I am frighten to change, frighten to face the future coz I know the closer I be I will lose it, frighten to dream for they don’t come true no matter how hard I try. And all these nesting fears in my head am jus’ running from myself, ignoring the opportunity, not utilizing my full potential, losing faith from myself, and above all avoiding to face and take step to achieve something that might be better. Do you do that too? Is fear one of the reason of abandonment of the unfinished pieces?

Sometimes I wish there be few more hours in a day, or I may go on without sleeping. There are so many things am missing out when I sleep, darn my body gives up even though my mind is wander to grasp much in a day. I wanna paint, write, clean my house, study for GMAT, and of course go to office and maintain full legal hours there. How’s that even possible? Here i lose the conclusion; moreover I lose the purpose of writing. While seaming a through meanwhile thinking the path of writing the next line, and writing all along during seaming and thinking process, I jus’ abandon this like others in the past.

I hope you can feel me, it’s not always lack of time but the excitement of confining several emotions and activity in one box, or the sense of hopelessness with disappointment not having to reach a conclusion. Closure is very important to pursue the future, letting go is only an after affect or say closure is medicine dose and letting go is only its good affect. Anything in life proceeds to meet closure so that, that chapter can be remembered, sobbed, enjoyed and forgot. Lack of such closure to any subject may it be an article am writing, leads to abandonment, ignorance, pain and finally to come back to those unfinished topic only to acknowledge their existence over conscience but never to forget.

Time to time I go to those drafted unfinished pieces, read them close them, not knowing what I may add up to it, what may help to make it a complete piece, and I end up abandoning it again until i pay my next visit.

If you think about it, it’s like life.

Forgotten Memories

There is no place of apologies
walking the way to pretend
the life you made up to seem so perfect
its not what it is
its much more than what it seems

Revenge sails everyday
each one here living with
burning grudge against
the closest being even in dismay
despise served on delicious tray
destroy the sole existence
war is on and nothing else matter
if ever you loved me honey
the memories are burnt
and ashes dark carbon.

If you have ever known me
would you doubt my feelings?
If you knew who I am
what I say
would you doubt my meaning?

Did you ever understand
what I am inside
a dragon's heart
stab open my love
truth or not
my corpse is soaked in bloody crimson

Let there be no mercy
no saving grace for my sinful spirit
die die die
and burn in living hell

I turn away to leave your world
my wraith got no place here
I must go away
this is no place for me to exist.

My existence has lost from earth
abandoned, banished, exiled
from everywhere
I fought for my survival
a lost cause
not even left with dirt.

Fire in my heart
I blemish into smoke
swallowing the poison
I prick my wound
My soul may ache inside
there is no way you to find
My doors now shut for all
I am inside this hollowness
and the echos in darkness are mine.

My tears will only burn my eyes
I paid for being real
lets pretend now you don't know me
I know you no more
and nothing to believe.

Turned to ashes, dark and cold
lost existence, with no cause
in vain I bleed
believed in being real
now every faith is gone
the one I was
now I have lost
died and buried
in that dark hole

I leave your world now
Now I be gone
no more on your way
not a liability you serve.
Nothing to understand
not to pretend to care
I never existed
forgotten from heart
washed off from memoirs you had.

Rest in Grave

Pull my tormented soul
Out into the world
And torture it little more
Hit it until it blisters
prick its wound
Make the deadliest fright real
Grab it by hair
To show its ghastliest future.

Pull my torment soul,
let it never rest in grave
Cruse it day by day
Till the wound is sore with pain
Leave with agony
And let it bleed tears that burn

There's no escape
from this brutal faith
Every attempt to crawl out
Kick me back into the pit
Whom to trust whom to not
Who is my ally
Betray like a foe
There is no rest
Visions of haunting dread.

Pull my heart out of my chest
Crush it under feet
Mercilessly.
Where to go
The wall are closing in,
This is dead end
With no goal to go ahead.
No purpose to solve
Nothing to dream of
No life ahead
But rout in hole.
Alone in the dark
Least air to survive
Still made my peace with
until again you come by

You pull me out of darkness
Salvation to my solitude
You my darling my only hope
For sun to shine again
For future to come
For light at the end of the tunnel
Am waiting to break out
Am waiting to escape

You pull my tormented soul
Out into the world
And torture it little more
Hit it until it blisters
prick its wound
Make the deadliest fright real
Grab it by hair
To show its ghastliest future.

The Last Goodbye

I can't hear the sounds
of the music any more
I can't hear your screams
or cries you howl

Everything around me
suddenly been paused
Pull me back
make me feel
the happiness and the sorrows
we feel
call my name
wake me up
'coz this sleep is drifting me

I wanna hear your voice
for the last time
If am gone by gone
I wanna be with you
for the last time.

I wanna feel the pain
that makes me real
my crushed heart
that beats with a sound
now everything is cold
the stillness eating my soul
Wrap me in your arm
make me feel real
love me with your warmth
so my dead heart beat again

I wanna hear your voice
for the last time
If am gone by gone
I wanna be with you
for the last time.

Tell you all I wanna say
call your name
for the last time
let me say Goodbye
that's all I want.

Give me a chance
place me back
a last breadth
to say three words
nothing much
not more time
want no more
a last wish if you may grant.

A last wish you may grant
let me say Goodbye
to the one I love
let my soul be in peace
before I leave this world.

Her Blood is on My Hand

Her Blood is on my hand
I witnessed her turning blue
Lifeless she lay in my arms
If ever I had a chance
If ever I was in time
If ever I had left her behind

Not followed her
Not promised to follow her
"wherever you go my darling,
you're my soul."
If I had not been known her
still so much in love with her.

Her blood is on my hand
I witnessed her turning blue
blood rolling through
"and I couldn't be there
to fix you"

In an instant
in a blink
I lost everything
My hopes and belief
My sole reason to survive
see tomorrow in her smile
then I witnessed her lifeless body
buried under the earth
I witnessed her
turning into a corpse
I saw her fear
I felt it too
to my core heart
chills that froze my toes
I stretched my hand
but couldn't do
each second passed
for million decades
in a blink my life ended

she died making me a corpse
she took my breath and only hope
but she was my strength
to stand on
her faith in me
to carry on.

Her blood is on my hand
I lost her
can't loose her faith
her trust ain't be broken
for I shall forever be
The Amazing spider man.

-- Inspired by departed Gwen in Amazing Spider Man 2

Curse of Solitude

Broken soul crimson hands
shatter mirror with my reflection
cast away far beyond
for no one to ever find
facing myself in cracked images
disgusted to look at I
Lost way
found no path
lead this life
with no purpose to serve

Dreams abandoned
for I gave up
with no answers to reason myself
left that way
away from what the heart says
nothing matters
not anymore
to resurrect or live in dismay

Poison swallowed
burning chocked
my voice caused all agony and throe
slay that sole
that evil doer of misery
thee brought this curse on me

Ended my world
darken entirety for me
howling growls of my grudge
pain so tormenting
making me deaf

Stitch myself
my eyes my lips
stitch with any woe
for no one to know
I bleed I cry
I sob
but no one to see

Gone for the world
Gone for you all
My raven flies away
its cries never to be heard
so as I
lost in thy memories
vanished existence
inch by inch.
Forgotten under
dusty brown pages
with some memoir
unsettling riot in granary.

Rot in hell
my evil soul.
I curse thou with solitude.
bleed poison from thy limbs
grieve everyday with no end
Curse thy fate
carved on stone
Unleash beast on thyself
fight every moment
Blistering agony thee endure
until thy end
rot with resentment.

Depicting Buddha

My first painting on professional canvas.

- Too much of light brings out the darker side, and in the darkness, shines the light.

STAY!!

There gonna be a redemption

Of the misery and pain

I belong to something

I can’t be a part of this

Reprehension where I stand 

I got to embrace this

Swallow the burning poison

Let my throat be chocked

Suffocate by dead

Lost to false allegation

Acquisition stuck with me.

Every word push me, 

a little closer to the edge.

Is it my hallucination?

Or that we have stopped dreaming

A future together

Together we grow old

Walk on the sand,

Holding each other’s wrinkly hand.

But Is this the end of what we had began

Maybe there is future

Maybe past is gone

If word are spoken unsaid

If the questions lost unanswered

Holding on to what we had?

Are the scars ever to fade

The wounds ever to heal

The life stuck in a moment

Swallowed by the darkness

Where I belong

Let me call out

Let me scream

Let me let out

Let me let go

Remind me for who we were

And a reason to stay.

Monster Titan

Monster, oh! evil
devour thou own bairn,
Looking with one eye
frighten with thee essence
with monstrous fright
ye ordain a fight.

Thou ain't know
where ye destine
what is thee quarry
why thy hauteur.

Thy will be thee
Thou vacillation
crush under firm vanity
push away thee precious
toll to die alone.

Bairn love entrusted
with free thoughts
capture to suffocate
in golden cage,
forced to love
thy mistake.

Far away
far away
the sound of Nightingale
sing the winning war
still thy loose to thyself.

Consumed by You

Empty darkness
Consuming my soul
With haunted hollows
am numb with cold
Paused with my
Paralyzed thoughts
Can't move
an inch ahead

Slipping away
am drifting apart
future seems so lost
I have gone too far
you're distant further
Can't reach you now.

Am down with chills
With your coldness of heart
Where is moment of first love
where is that first kiss
that sudden rush
beating heart so fast
catching my breath
I could finally utter,
"I am in love,
am in love"

Excited to see you everyday
long walk on beach
praying the day never end
in the dark
lost in thoughts of you
holding hands
together forever was true

The memories shattered
each single one at a time
little by little
we drifted further
what made us stand here
where I see no future
why life is darkened
why we are here.

What if I could have walked away
the very day you discarded me
why not the next time,
when my hopes crushed hopelessly
you chose someone else over me
why not time after that
or the next or the next
why there was always another time.

You moved on
but I stuck in
couldn't let go
the faith I believed in.
Life could've been different
if I had chosen differently.
How our life could have been
if you never have met me.

Am Your Reflection

Let me tell you
with my broken heart
I had always loved you
and I will keep doing too
If you don't understand me
its okay
I can take that hurt
but don't misjudge
for what I don't deserve.

Think for a while
if you talk to me again,
and if its the last time
before I evanescence,
blurring my human form
turning to ashes,
burnt in rising flames
never to return.

Its okay
if am unfortunate
but I held to you
for better or for worst
I have given
my words
written my life
on your name.
I am not scare
of loosing myself
I not afraid of getting hurt
but daunted by the turns
where we might have reached
everything I say
you misinterpret me.

How can you imagine
I can ever be,
coarse and bawdy
if I mean all the wrong things
my life has no meaning.
My existence is nothing but lie
without you am done living.
I can't tell you to take my hand
I am your own reflection
you face yourself
you look at my eyes
see if it bleeds
with tears of misery
how can we mistrust each other
how can we stand facing different bent
we're part of each other,
even if your heart can't deny
may be deep deep within
you know the real me
whats stopping you to except
am still who I used to be.

I am your own reflection
look into my eyes
and tell me if am untrue
look with your heart
I am not dead cold
am not dead to you
don't call me a stranger
tell me where am wrong
why you judge me
for what I haven't done.

Let me tell you
with my broken heart
I had always loved you
and I will keep doing too
If you don't understand me
its okay
I can take that hurt
but don't misjudge
for what I don't deserve.

Remember am your reflection
I will get torment,
if ever you been hurt.
I am your reflection,
I am part of you
You may discard me,
so abandoned I will be.

Love lost to Lust

What's the difference between
Love and lust
One so tender with melody in heart
but then there's an apprehension
hidden in thoughts
buried in guilt.
Can't be seen
with licit heart
but deep within
its what he wants.

Can beat the desperation
throwing your life away
over a moment so temporary
but rush through the veins
adrenaline so addictive until it ends.

Thrill that not to last
but excitement once again
its like falling in love
only better
with all these hidden games.

But there is a dark corner
every time you come home
every second you face her
why you feel so consumed
why you are so choked out.
every time you close your eyes
it haunts you like
something chasing you
and you are getting caught
wherever you go
you are not alone.

Maybe today you slip the judgement,
Sooner or later
you'll have to pay
there'll be a time
you'll have to chose
who will win you
Is it your admiral voluptuous covert
that makes you feel alive
that sustain your passion to high
or the angelic love,
you called that compassion
your occult trust
your dubiety to the one.
You pause,
why you've to think
You've thought of your benefit
it was always been lone veracity.
You can't love anyone
it had always been lust
and your greed you chose all along.

Love stood understand shadow
asking you why?
for the betrayal,
for taking advantage of her trust
"Why you played me,
Is it that you no more love me"
Then she comes to the most
adage question, "Do you love her?"
funny that question never made sense
it was never a question of love
or whom you want,
It is your benefit,
It is what serve you save future
Why it is always about you
when you're most pathetic
deceitful figure of love.
Unworthy of any ones mercy
You played with both
you had no line between love and lust,
you touch the surface
but never reach the soul
deep inside you're pit darkness
void in your heart
despair of ever being whole.

What's the difference between
Love and lust
One so tender with melody in heart
but then there's an apprehension
hidden in thoughts
buried in guilt.
But lust shadows love oh! divine
love fades away
lust excite you in different ways
if caught to addiction
there is no escape.
Maybe today you slip the judgement,
Sooner or later
you'll have to pay.
Choice was never yours
when you choose over lust
Our memories went blind
there's nothing to remind
'coz you left me behind.

I am ME.

I don't know
where dreams fly away
pacing through
future seems all blur
clearance to look at my path
loosing chances
falling off my hand
Can't even express
how am going down.

Letting go of your hands
I can't feel
expect for am nostagic.
There is no opportunity
maybe am stuck too deep
dream is only
a picture to look at now
What I wanted
got no shape now.
I wanna be someone
what my heart wants,
to be known to everyone
reach one and all
and inspire your life.
But lost my inspiration,
maybe that dream
meant to be gone
and never be reality
For I understand.

I don't understand myself
where am meant to go
is my present my future too.
Maybe the signs are too clear
Maybe am too scared to accept
fighting with myself
I am getting too comfortable
Where I am.

Defying the facts
of Who am I
Defying to accept
who Am meant to be.
All my decisions seems
to directionless
try my heart
what it beats
how I want to be
is this is what I want
or I want to be ME.

This is my last chance
this is my last salvation
to figure out a road to escape
to get to know
Who I am.

You ask me who I am
"Tell me about you,
and why you are"
I need to answer myself that
I am my reflection
what more to that,
Tell my heart
what I want
what my beliefs are
figure out myself
my path,
I have drive through
find out my way
my first step
to figure out this,
who can best judge
looking in the mirror
who I am?
I am Me.
And am not letting go of that.