LCO Says So

Introducing Vato J

Recently I came across this tremendous talent and poet that I couldn't stop myself from posting this... Introducing Vato J. my Big Brother

The Choice - When would you decide?

We live in a world of distractions, where a vainly posed selfie lasts forever than true love. It's not about finding the one anymore, it's about the longevity of our lasting interest in the one.

World today is driven with perception and social media likes, rather than the unmasked reality. Truth is too hard to handle and being present for someone without judgement is next to impossible. 

We rather suffer in our unjustified insecurities and not trust anyone than stop being judgmental and let kindness show our strength. Actually no, kindness and compassion are for the weak. Even though we are all alone in our own boxes, we rather are enticed with the temporary glimmer than find a true partner.

Where are those times, when we used to fight for love? Where the borders and wars failed in front of true love. Now the scepticism is winning the battle and as technology made everything easy, we complaint and make excuses hiding behind our "why not"

It's one thing to have doubts, scared of getting hurt, but it's another to expect everything on a silver platter. Good things in life come after fighting struggle, but our brain goes overboard scared of that tiny fight and start putting everyone in the boxes filled with judgement and perception, and suffocating something before it began.

I believed it is a good thing when we find a connection, someone who understands our pain, our fears, our vulnerabilities and doesn't box us. But in social observation, my understanding stood baffled as I witnessed the stronger the connection is the more scared people are, the shortened the relationship and more broken the people come out of it. Why? Is it because we realize this is real, and we are so damn scared that we deliberately sabotage it. Or are we so used to the fun and gimmicks, that we are scared of losing the cheap thrills?

The world is moving ahead at a faster pace than we can imagine. Every day there will be distractions and means to find new options. It's on us to know when we need to pause and enjoy the birds chirping. And it's on us to know the difference between the meaningless shiny sparks and the real connection to build on. And decide what we want.

But don't be dramatic, it is not only your choice. And I hate to say this, even if it would terribly hurt, it is waste to keep waiting for the one who doesn't value you. Even if you felt the strongest bond in your life, if the other person is not mature enough to handle it, then it's sad but you are not on the same page. The worst part is when they knew this connection exists and chose to ignore it. All the more reason to leave them behind in a closed chapter and start a new one. 

Easier said than done, yes. But life doesn't stop from anyone and if you can't move ahead, you are jus' stuck. If you have that connection, it's due time Act before you lose it. And if you are stuck because he/she is not on the same page, its also due time to move on. So, When would you decide?

Wish, in another Lifetime

I stretched my hand 

for you to hold

I called your name 

to save my soul

Now you stand 

jus to behold

As I fall, 

I let go

You were the source 

of my light 

You were the reason 

I was hanging on

You were my last straw 

When I had given up

But now

You are lost

As I fall

The moments paused

Future flashed

And what could have hold

Five years in it

We lived together 

You slept long

Had a long shift 

I am in the kitchen 

Making tea

You came from

behind me 

embraced in a warm hug

The moment froze

Time stands

Until you held my waist

turned me to face you

Leaned in

And we kissed

That's it 

I open my eyes

Am still falling

I wish

Maybe in the next lifetime 

My Last Sleep

I wish I could
disappear into nothing
fade into a smoke
without a trace

I wish the earth
opened up right now
And I am
swallowed in it

I wish my story
would jus' end
It's so hard
To carry on like this

I wish I had the guts
to bear the pain
to died once
and not a thousand times
fearin' it

I wish the universe,
Finally, listens to me
And I escape this world
in my last sleep

In a Glass Box

Imagine yourself in a soundproof glass box, you can see what's around the box, but people outside can only see their own reflections. For the first few days it's okay you are patient that someone would notice and rescue you. But the third day the anxiety and loneliness creep in and by fifth, the frustration is at a heightened intensity. You are screaming and yelling and shouting, banging on that glass, pulling your hair and teeth, but nothing no one notices. And then there is this one person who sees the glass and not the mirror, that person passes by every day, maybe an occasional smile. You hope but then even if you cry out at the top of your voice, that person doesn't understand a thing, and jus passes by. Now imagine yourself in that box, and watch yourself from outside the box. No matter how much that person in the box screams, nothing, not even a tiny sound... all the begging and praying... still silence. No matter how hard that person hurt themselves, nothing. No one is coming to save you and that hope is jus' a mirage to fade, and a cruel taunt to show you how minuscule is your existence.

She Knew All Along

It was a cold gloomy afternoon in July, the rain was pouring down as if nature was washing all its sins on earth. I was alone in the house, sitting on the couch and playing with my dog with her favorite rope, while my cats were jus’ sitting watching the rain.

My eyes, kept going to the blank screen of my phone and this was the 50^th time, I picked up the phone to check if she is seeing my texts. Same two grey ticks, my texts are delivered, but for a week now, she is neither checking ‘em nor answering. “It is so unlike her,” I thought to myself, “She must be mad because of something I did?” my mind kept wondering. I kept remembering her and our conversations again and again. Her voice was like in my mind all the time. No matter how much I tried to shake it, and ignore the fact that she like everyone else is jus’ pretending to be busy and ghosting me, I couldn’t shake the panic.

It made me so angry, “Well this time when she is going to text, I am not replying,” as the thought crossed my mind, I also wondered, “What if, she doesn’t talk to me again?”

I paused, I don’t know for how long, but the thought of never talking to her made me feel so numb. I was jolted back to reality by my dog pulling the rope from my hand. I shook my head and grunted, “I am jus’ thinking too much,” I shrugged my shoulder shaking off this weird feeling of anxiousness.

The doorbell rang before my mind wander into another thought, “Three o’clock in the afternoon, who would it be.” As I walked closer to the door, the more anxious I felt and suddenly the temperature felt like dropped to a freezing point, touching the doorknob felt like my skin was touching the ice. Frowning at the weird situation, I jerk opened the stuck door, to be surprised, she was standing right in front of me.

But instead of greeting her, the first words that came out of my mouth, “What in the hell??”

“Is it so bad seeing me in person,” she replied being her usual witty self.

“Not bad if you could’ve told me that you’re coming”

“What’s the fun in that?” She said with that smile, “Now are you going to invite me in, am freezing here”

I poked my head out to notice the sudden change in weather, “Come in, I guess??” and left the door wide open for her to get in.

“Cool. Thank you.”

“How did you know where I live?”

“Psychic, remember!!” she pointed her forehead and said with that sarcastic tone.

“Umm… it’s surely a surprise,” I said, while in my head I was saying it can’t get any weirder than this. Who drops by someone’s house unannounced after almost three months of texting each other.

“I wanted to see you in person,” she replied as if she was reading my thoughts, however, it’s not that unusual, because she does that from time to time, and am jus’ getting used to it.

“How long are you going to be in town?”

“Jus’ today, leaving early dawn tomorrow,” she paused and looked down at her shoes, “I jus’ wanted to see you and say goodbye before I leave.”

I nodded, suddenly the tone of the conversation had gotten serious as if some unsaid tension was hanging between us. My dog came to her wiggling her tail and sat down with a whimper. She bent over to say something to her, and I didn’t want to interfere with the ladies speaking, so I left ‘em. For a while, she kept talking like they know each other from all along. Apart from my dog’s occasional whimpers, I couldn’t hear anything.

Soon she came into the room and sat on the couch, “So, what do you have in mind?”  

“You are the one here giving the surprise, am sure you have a plan”

“How about a cake?”

“What?”

“Let’s make a cake,”

“Why?”

“It’s your birthday next Thursday, and I won’t be here. So I want to share a cake with you.” She was smiling but there was something in her eyes, like she was hiding, “Also, I want to know, for a Chef how good you are.”

“Oh! Never call a man out on his profession.”

“Then show me, whatcha got.”

We went to the kitchen, as I did all the hard work and madam the princess sat on the chair talkin’ like a nonstop radio, I wondered if I missed our conversations. We brought the food to the living room, played a movie while I kept pausing and sharing trivia. “You hardly touched your food,” I noticed.

“Sorry, I am not feeling very well.”

“You wanna go take a nap?” I asked

“Ya, maybe.”

“Did I jus’ suggested a girl to sleep it off in my bedroom,” I kept running the thought of my dad being home soon, and a girl whom I jus’ met online only three months ago in my room, that would be an interesting conversation. But what said was said so like a polite gentleman I offered, “You can go to my room, sleep it off.” I paused for her reaction but she didn’t say anything, “I will be here on the couch.”

She nodded, and I walked her off to the room, as I was closing the door she said in a mellow voice, “Hey, if I have to leave without waking you up, I jus’ want to say Goodbye.”

“Don’t worry, I am going to see you when you wake up.”

“Jus’ hear me out. I want you to be strong and keep helping people. But above all help yourself. Always be the best version of who you are, and don’t be scared to let people in. Let the right people in,” she paused for a moment and said, “Even your darkness has light.”

“Stop talking crazy, like you are talking to me for the last time,” I said assertively interrupting her. My dog wiggled in the room with her whimper and sat on the floor.

I smiled and said, “We’ll talk when you wake up.”

“What if I don’t,” she said. I shook my head, I am used to her talking nonsense all the time.

As I close the door and took my steps away from it, something wasn’t sitting well, every bone in my body was telling me to open that door and talk to her. So, I did, I rushed, almost ran and, swung the door wide open. Only to see my dog still sitting where I left her without moving an inch, but she wasn’t there. I checked every corner of the room, at first I thought she was teasing me. But she wasn’t anywhere.

“Did I imagine the whole thing? Was I dreaming” I asked myself. I rushed down the hall to pick up my phone. Texting her wasn’t working, so I jus’ called her number, the phone kept ringing and stopped.

I dialled her again and again and again. After Nth time, a man picked up. I was anxious but I had to stay calm and tell a stranger why I am calling. To my surprise as soon as I introduced myself, the man said, “Yes, she told me about you, am sorry we are speaking in such an unfortunate circumstance. I am her colleague”

It would be morning six there, who is the man and why does he has her phone, “Did she left her phone at home.” I asked, and it could make sense, why she wasn’t replying to all my texts. “Where did she go, did I dream?” I was trying to make sense in the most unexplainable situation.

“Am sorry, she passed away last night. We are taking her body for cremation,” the man said in a grave tone.

I couldn’t say a word and my whole weight crumbled down on the floor, as I sat there soaking in the entirety of this experience running through my mind, my dog walked to me, sat beside me with the same whimper. She knew all along.  

Calm and Chaos

Disappeared Goodbye

Isn't it too much
almost time to give up
isn't it so cold
maybe this time I pass over

Last bit of courage
put the gun in my hand
A bullet to my head
and the noises shut up

Incapable of feeling pain
Incapable to feel again
I thought of every step
future, present and past disappear.

Vision blurs
warm blood rolling down,
dripping each drop
time stands still.
Eyes are heavy now
my breath is shaking
silence embracing me
this peace will last forever

I have tried,
tried to exist
tried to fit
tried to be a part
part of this mad world.

I played all the games
but that's now in the past
you called me "damaged,"
and I know I am,
I am a piece of broken glass
exist only to hurt
make everything bleed
whatever I touch.

I wish this is the last night
A night to fade away
A night no one remembers
a past distant memory
like I never existed.

I sit here by myself
not another sound
with each drop of crimson blood
my life drains to disappear.

Memories flashes by
every word unspoken
every detail of the past
I close my eyes last time
never to wake up

Submerge in my own blood
last breath escapes
I stand over my body
and let it slip away.

It is my escape
as my part ends
another forgotten chapter
in the memories bleak

I will be erased,
maybe soon,
maybe bit by bit
infuriate by the ignorance
You chose to resent.

No answer
when you text
No answer
when you call

You feel abandoned
disdain, contempt
you can not trust.
Would you wonder,
maybe when the anguish calms?
Would you wonder,
where were my goodbyes?

The world will forget
and you will too,
forgive me, my love
I'll watch over you.

Variant on Canvas

Every move is a prudent chase, as she swirls her glass of little wine, so focused on the dark shade embracing the transparent walls, dancing in circles. Our eyes met for a moment and my heart skipped a beat, like it’s the longest moment I've been submerged into ocean blue eyes, without a word to utter. 

She pulls her focus to the potion avoiding the distraction in front of her, and slowly closed her eyes to breathe in the aroma of exquisite Merlot. As my eyes fell on her lips, I envied the first drops of wine, which touched those blossomed red lips, as awing fulfillment captivated her expression. A low irresistible sound of moan escaped her lips, only for her to quickly snap back to the reality. Blushing with embarrassment, she poised back to her controlled demeanor, "C'est parfait. Cher monsieur," she said with a smiled at our server. I nodded at the man, to fill my glass with this pure pleasure of gratification, which clearly was magic.

I wondered how this little sip of Merlot could take control of our composer and unfold an exploding fantasies of closeness, as a moment which was barely seconds, lasted a blissful finality of pure contentment.

"We'll have your best Steak," I said as I noticed the man patiently waiting for our order.

"And after I'll get Clafoutis, complémentaire pour belle dame." the old man smiled at her and left the table.

Minutes passed as none of us, say a word. Helplessly my glances met hers, only to blink away awkwardly.

"How long will you be in the town?" I gather up my courage and said, clearing my throat and hiding my face as I casually sip the wine.

"As long as it takes me to finish my book." She said with a gentle smile, "What about you?"

"My exhibition will last two more weeks," I utter with a doubt in my voice. 

"So, you are leaving in two weeks?"

"I don't have my next exhibition planned until another month, so mayn't."

"Planning to venture the city?" she curiously asked.

"I've been in Paris many times." I pour myself in her eyes as I said, "I might like to venture the company"

She smiled and looked down flattening the crease over her napkin.

As the food arrived, we talked about her book and my art, it was evident that we were living the same fantasy but in different mediums. I used brush and colors, and she used words, both of us painting exactly same picture together but on different canvases.

Is it possible to feel all spectrum of emotions in one evening, I wondered as we walked down the streets of Paris in that pleasant September evening. Long silence fell between us, and both of us jus' let our feelings sink in. I never would have imagined, how without uttering a word, I would still be able to hear her thoughts, and feel everything she felt. Pretending to casually brush each other’s hands, only to let the anticipation take the better of us, would I be gallant enough to consciously step in and take her hand in mine.

Something as easy as this is suddenly so abstruse. When something means so much as right now, the anxiety mixed with adrenaline, stream through the veins like obsidian burning with desire. Did my mind ever wander between figment of mirage and reality, I can't help but stare at her flawless beauty and stuck by the perfection she is at every sight.

Remember me Not

Remember me in your darkest time, 

I am here for you, 

drenched with emotions
you let it lose
I know you do

I am with you

Your sadness your anger

I'm by your side,
so let it out.

Lost the battle,
lost that hope
when you're wandering
for a direction 

look at your north star
I will guide you

I wish you find your soul

Be one with the one you hold

I wish you true happiness 

I hope you find 

who you are looking for.

You will never lose me

I am here for you

As the time moves 

I fade
like a ghost to you

You call my name 

Am there by you

But I wish

You never need to.

Am a reminder of your darkness
and without me,
there is light
find the one that shines
as I disappear
Remember me Not.