(Some things can't be summarized, and shouldn't be.)
I have been trying to write this post for a very long time, to be specific, one year and three months, but somehow my words have never been enough to describe my feelings, which emerge, flood, and cry out, all at the same time.
The questions I want to ask, the un-closed topics left loose without closure, the "what ifs" and the "am responsible" parts, never let me put my anxiety to rest. Suddenly those streams of unsettledness come over me and there I am, feeling all nauseated. I can't sleep, feel chocked all the time, stay restless and keep calling my husband at 3:30 AM asking him to talk to me, blaming him for everything wrong. But looking closely at the subject, I find he is one of the few people in my life, who haven't given up, who try, who come for me at 3:30 AM every time I call. He has been a friend and a brother, and I appreciate that. Maybe he hasn't grown up so much so as to be a husband yet, but I enjoy having him around as my boy-friend. Makes me feel young every time we are together.
But the subject still remains at the same point. Every time I sit down to pen this post, my hands get stuck, fingers numbed, and head captivated with a constant pain, with the agony of bleeding thoughts. Well, basically I sound like it had been a messed up day. No... my dear reader it was not. For I can say you get to know the best in people in the worst situations. Well I do believe in the statement. Because this day changed my perspective on living life. The tough part is that though I knew that perspective, but it still was the hardest part to mold myself in its shape.
Well after long wait, I am writing this as an obligation to my conscience, a story I deserve to pen down, a memory not to be lost, a picture to look at, to admire and try again.
Am thinking its gonna be a long post, so if you my reader are bored already and want to move on, this is the time. But if you choose to continue, am honored and will ask you to finish as this post is the most intimate and personal one I have written yet.
The day was 18th Jan 2011, when I fixed up my wedding date to be a year from then. All excited and geared up with full energy, I entered the house to tell my mom. My mother must have felt really awful for not discussing with her about the date, but she understood the heights of my joy. I was so on cloud nine and pumped up that I couldn't settle for several moments. Not b'coz I was marrying my prince Charles but b'coz I was gonna be a bride... Gonna be a bride, it still triggers a weird adrenaline rush through my veins.
Like every daughter's dream, I wanted to be a bride jus' like my mother. One of my biggest wishes was to have an elaborate traditional wedding with everything so perfectly pictured in my head. Even though as a person, I am not for typical traditional ways of living, but when it came to my wedding, starting from decoration, food, attire, jewelry, make up and even the photography had to be kept on a very traditional base. I had imagined this day to be the perfect day for me, jus' like in my dreams, jus' the way I had knitted 'em since my childhood. One of the happiest days of my life! Where I see my mother happy, smiling and my Charles posing the most stunning man in the universe. Three of us and our guest all enjoying the day and every moment together while celebrating our bondage.
A year passed planning the minutest to minutest details, stitching every shattered piece together, arranging and hunting for the best things available. And to top it all, I planned everything economically. Planned and planned and planned. My father never understood my effort or my feelings, that I was giving my best to make it a perfect day without bumping him with huge expenditure. But things turned to get depressing when he was caught up with the idea that his daughter was nothing but an outsider. He started hindering and fighting over everything. No matter how I tried to take him in, share with him all my plans, strategies and budget, he never accepted me. These relatives were the ones who could decide my dreams for me, and when they couldn't, they came down to shatter everything good about my day.
I jus' couldn't understand why someone would do that, take away the only day a girl is a bride, feels special, like a bright diamond who jus' wanted to glitter and be admired. Good thing is, a few of my dear well wishers were always there with me. My mother and of course, my dear husband have been the rock beside me with every decision, every turn and corner of this journey. The wedding day was planned, but it wasn't just a day, it was a whole year of ups and downs, happiness and sorrow, smiles and sobs, struggle and success. The three of us had been through a year, together. It wasn't easy to make a dream come true, to paint the picture, to celebrate the pieces in your head. But we did it. We finally and successfully arrived at the day. Even though a day before D-day, I was having that strange rolling feeling in my stomach, jus like the way we have before exams... can't I relax and carry on with tomorrow a day after? But 19th Jan 2012 had to come on 19th Jan 2012.
The saddest part is, in my head I had pictured that when the clock would strike 12 midnight, I would scream at the top of my voice and go around the room yelling "Am gonna be married today!!" But no, that didn't happen. My father's relatives had jus' left our house at 10 PM that night and had left the scene all gloomy and sunken. I could see the darkness of the night and nothing was hopeful anymore. I remember, when I saw the clock strike 12 I ran that imaginative picture of me screaming with excitement in my head, but in reality my grandma was hurt and mad, and my mother, whom I wanted to be the happiest and the most joyful, was heartbroken. Mother came to sleep beside me at 2 AM and soon after that I closed my eyes, and maybe that was the time I understood, I had to let go of my picture perfect dream day and wishes one by one. We jus' had to concentrate on surviving through the day.
I woke up at 4 AM, for there is a traditional ceremony where the bride eats some flattened rice with sweet curd, for she doesn't eat anything throughout the rest of the day after sun rise till she is wedded. The moments from when my reality started to defy my imaginations. Small details can't be jus' pointed out with words but each flash of memory is no lesser than a bullet going in circular motion, piercing through the heart and tearing through it with every rotation, every second. My dreams, wishes, hopes, all started falling apart.
We somehow managed to reach the location. One thing comforted me that at least the decoration was going well. The perfume of the mesmerizing Gul-e-Maryam (in Indian - Rajnigandha, in english - Tuberose) and roses painted a perfect picture jus like I had imagined. Sadly I couldn't take in that beauty for long. When all of my father's relatives entered, they started hampering small and big events in a row. Their stinky looks, evil propensities and malicious intentions weren't hidden from my eyes but I couldn't protest, for the sake of the day. Even I couldn't protect my mother's honor when I had to witness them disrespect her, and the heart break she had to go through, all for my sake. Father was nothing more than a mere guest, who didn't even know me. The image of a perfect day was long broken, the constant agony was jus what had to be consumed and swallowed for surviving the wedding day.
The day I had planned not to see my Prince Charles (For avoiding bad luck) had been so hard on me, that I felt I couldn't survive if its not the three of us together. I was breaking down and was trying to hold on to myself jus for my mother's sake. She had been through enough. and I couldn't let her see me breaking down, 'coz then she would definitely break. My dear maid of honor was really a rock to me when she held me and comforted me. She was there throughout, and it was more than I could have wished from a friend and from a sister. My uncle (my mom's brother) was the man who gave it his everything to jus let me hold on to the hope, for he knew that it was falling. My mother saw nothing about herself, just me and my wishes. And my to-be-husband that day, had only one intention in his heart, to make me happy, and keep me smiling. If for that he had to tear his chest and pull his heart out, I believe he would have done it. Helplessly he heard me sobbing, not able to hug me or comfort me, he intended to come and take care of the decoration, and make it as perfect as we had planned and as I had imagined.
I was the bride and looking at myself in the mirror, I could jus cry. Not 'coz the reflection was as perfect as I had imagined, but 'coz the music of my to-be-husband entering the wedding grounds gave me a feeling that even though nothing was perfect, I had the perfect companion with me who gave me hope. I was standing at a point where my reasoning for the wedding day was changed, it wasn't about being the bride any more but its about the marriage, and its about the perfect companion. But in a moment or two its hard to mold into that mind set and let go of the image imagining in the head.
My heart broke when I saw the empty room, where there was no point of being the center of attention, even though I was the shiniest diamond, the bride I had always imagined to be. I was sad seeing that my aisle was not lighted, that the path I was walking on was dark ('coz my light man had betrayed me). But then that day changed my perspective. In Bengali tradition the bride is carried by brothers and uncles to the wedding spot. I had never conveyed to my uncle that I wanted him to be the man who can give me up to the groom, but when he came to me and offered to do so, my dark path suddenly lit up. The emptiness of the room hurting my heart jus' vanished when I removed the betel leaves covering my face and after the longest 24 hours of wait, saw my prince, smiling and blinking his eyes to communicate, he was there with me, and everything from then on, whatever good or bad, he would be there. The whole wedding I didn't... couldn't concentrate on or hear the mantras (Bengali weddings are conducted with a series of mantras), but all I was hearing, even though all the words were silent, was that the companion am taking today will be loving me, will protect me, comfort me and intend to keep me happy. Everything about him, his eyes, his posture, told me to trust him, that he was determined to spend the rest of his life with me, no matter how worse the situation gets. He was serious all through the ceremony, which I complained about, but true to say, he meant it when he said wedding was no joke, and what he did that day was taking our marriage seriously. Even after loosing faith repeatedly, my heart longs to trust him every time I remember those moments.
I looked for my mother and saw an ocean of sorrow in her eyes but not a single drop of tear. I saw hope, I saw a pledge, I saw a mother, a sister, a friend, who gave up her whole life jus' to keep me safe and happy. I saw my friend, my maid of honor, even though I never offered her that job she held on throughout the day, playing the part to perfection. She'd been there like that friend I must have earned by doing plenty of good deeds. I saw my uncle and watched him give up his hunger, running to fix everything so that I don't feel anxious. I made a brother that day, who protected my honor and gave me company. I saw my granny, she was relieved and at peace and wishing me the best. I saw my aunt, she'd been there doing everything li'l to big and loving me truely. Even though my father turned into a stranger, I brought a stranger into my life, who is the partner I will shared my deepest and most intimate secrets with, a stranger who became a reflection, a better half, a part of me. I had a few but the brightest diamonds around me. And the fact is that for 'em I was the shiniest one. I may not be the center of attention for all, but these people really valued me, and everything they opted for was wishing the best for me and making me smile and happy.
But at the end of the day, my body couldn't take it any more and I might have skipped few beats, my brain was shut senseless and when my senses came back I was literally the center of attention. But the two best things about coming back, I got a chance to live this wonderful life with my companions, and when I came back I recognized my husband (weird calling him that, and maybe it will be so for the next 20 years). It felt great when I came to know that I recognized him when I came out of my unconscious senses. It was a kind satisfaction that my heart and soul had accepted, loved the new change in status.
Even-though we didn't start the day perfectly and some how intended to jus survive, but this longest day of broken hopes and creating new dreams was amazing. I look at us in the photos, other than cursing the photographer for being an amateur in the field, I appraise the perfect bride I made. It was jus the way I had imagined, being a picture of my mother. The decoration was nearly perfect, I can live with it. But most of all, the perfect companions I had made the event successful and satisfying for me.
When recreating these thoughts in my head, and visiting that memory lane. This day, the 19th Jan 2012, always starts with the memories of gruesome, painful thoughts, but when I keep thinking about it, it always flies over me as the best part of my life. It restores hope in the future and faith in self. The journey planning this day was more like knowing each other better for all three of us, my mother, my husband and I connected, settled, and bonded together while taking this journey. That one day, the day taught us how a day of wedding was more of a voyage of life, where some people will be there wanting to harm us while others will be there to always pull us out of the worst. But most of all restoring faith and trusting each other with patience is all it needs to survive life. Above all I learnt, "Its never about a perfect wedding, its just a day and it passes away. Its always about a perfect marriage." That I already have and shall cherish forever.
If needed, that wedding day can be created again in my future, if given a chance, the same way its still in my head. The thing I had to let go, and I couldn't do the first time, I can do again. And I know my well wishers will be there to support me, and some more new friends will be added. A day of celebration is never gone. Whats important is to have the right partner. And my mother and husband had been and will be perfect partners I will always share my life with.
Fun fact : I never got married to actually have a marriage but to have a wedding. The journey to which made me realize the actual fact of life, marriage is much more important than wedding. And a good or bad wedding has got nothing to do with a good or bad marriage. Efforts should be put as honestly towards a marriage as religiously as I put towards my wedding. One of the best days in my life is 19 Jan 2012, and that day will come every year. And some year I will have my dream wedding, 'coz I already have my dream marriage, and a perfect relationship.
P.S : This post 'A Girl's Wedding' is a realization that wedding is only a part. Dream about it, enjoy the day but live the marriage you cherish.
Jus' realized, today's 19 May 2013. Exactly one beautiful year and four magical months and counting...
The questions I want to ask, the un-closed topics left loose without closure, the "what ifs" and the "am responsible" parts, never let me put my anxiety to rest. Suddenly those streams of unsettledness come over me and there I am, feeling all nauseated. I can't sleep, feel chocked all the time, stay restless and keep calling my husband at 3:30 AM asking him to talk to me, blaming him for everything wrong. But looking closely at the subject, I find he is one of the few people in my life, who haven't given up, who try, who come for me at 3:30 AM every time I call. He has been a friend and a brother, and I appreciate that. Maybe he hasn't grown up so much so as to be a husband yet, but I enjoy having him around as my boy-friend. Makes me feel young every time we are together.
But the subject still remains at the same point. Every time I sit down to pen this post, my hands get stuck, fingers numbed, and head captivated with a constant pain, with the agony of bleeding thoughts. Well, basically I sound like it had been a messed up day. No... my dear reader it was not. For I can say you get to know the best in people in the worst situations. Well I do believe in the statement. Because this day changed my perspective on living life. The tough part is that though I knew that perspective, but it still was the hardest part to mold myself in its shape.
Well after long wait, I am writing this as an obligation to my conscience, a story I deserve to pen down, a memory not to be lost, a picture to look at, to admire and try again.
Am thinking its gonna be a long post, so if you my reader are bored already and want to move on, this is the time. But if you choose to continue, am honored and will ask you to finish as this post is the most intimate and personal one I have written yet.
The day was 18th Jan 2011, when I fixed up my wedding date to be a year from then. All excited and geared up with full energy, I entered the house to tell my mom. My mother must have felt really awful for not discussing with her about the date, but she understood the heights of my joy. I was so on cloud nine and pumped up that I couldn't settle for several moments. Not b'coz I was marrying my prince Charles but b'coz I was gonna be a bride... Gonna be a bride, it still triggers a weird adrenaline rush through my veins.
Like every daughter's dream, I wanted to be a bride jus' like my mother. One of my biggest wishes was to have an elaborate traditional wedding with everything so perfectly pictured in my head. Even though as a person, I am not for typical traditional ways of living, but when it came to my wedding, starting from decoration, food, attire, jewelry, make up and even the photography had to be kept on a very traditional base. I had imagined this day to be the perfect day for me, jus' like in my dreams, jus' the way I had knitted 'em since my childhood. One of the happiest days of my life! Where I see my mother happy, smiling and my Charles posing the most stunning man in the universe. Three of us and our guest all enjoying the day and every moment together while celebrating our bondage.
A year passed planning the minutest to minutest details, stitching every shattered piece together, arranging and hunting for the best things available. And to top it all, I planned everything economically. Planned and planned and planned. My father never understood my effort or my feelings, that I was giving my best to make it a perfect day without bumping him with huge expenditure. But things turned to get depressing when he was caught up with the idea that his daughter was nothing but an outsider. He started hindering and fighting over everything. No matter how I tried to take him in, share with him all my plans, strategies and budget, he never accepted me. These relatives were the ones who could decide my dreams for me, and when they couldn't, they came down to shatter everything good about my day.
I jus' couldn't understand why someone would do that, take away the only day a girl is a bride, feels special, like a bright diamond who jus' wanted to glitter and be admired. Good thing is, a few of my dear well wishers were always there with me. My mother and of course, my dear husband have been the rock beside me with every decision, every turn and corner of this journey. The wedding day was planned, but it wasn't just a day, it was a whole year of ups and downs, happiness and sorrow, smiles and sobs, struggle and success. The three of us had been through a year, together. It wasn't easy to make a dream come true, to paint the picture, to celebrate the pieces in your head. But we did it. We finally and successfully arrived at the day. Even though a day before D-day, I was having that strange rolling feeling in my stomach, jus like the way we have before exams... can't I relax and carry on with tomorrow a day after? But 19th Jan 2012 had to come on 19th Jan 2012.
The saddest part is, in my head I had pictured that when the clock would strike 12 midnight, I would scream at the top of my voice and go around the room yelling "Am gonna be married today!!" But no, that didn't happen. My father's relatives had jus' left our house at 10 PM that night and had left the scene all gloomy and sunken. I could see the darkness of the night and nothing was hopeful anymore. I remember, when I saw the clock strike 12 I ran that imaginative picture of me screaming with excitement in my head, but in reality my grandma was hurt and mad, and my mother, whom I wanted to be the happiest and the most joyful, was heartbroken. Mother came to sleep beside me at 2 AM and soon after that I closed my eyes, and maybe that was the time I understood, I had to let go of my picture perfect dream day and wishes one by one. We jus' had to concentrate on surviving through the day.
I woke up at 4 AM, for there is a traditional ceremony where the bride eats some flattened rice with sweet curd, for she doesn't eat anything throughout the rest of the day after sun rise till she is wedded. The moments from when my reality started to defy my imaginations. Small details can't be jus' pointed out with words but each flash of memory is no lesser than a bullet going in circular motion, piercing through the heart and tearing through it with every rotation, every second. My dreams, wishes, hopes, all started falling apart.
The day I had planned not to see my Prince Charles (For avoiding bad luck) had been so hard on me, that I felt I couldn't survive if its not the three of us together. I was breaking down and was trying to hold on to myself jus for my mother's sake. She had been through enough. and I couldn't let her see me breaking down, 'coz then she would definitely break. My dear maid of honor was really a rock to me when she held me and comforted me. She was there throughout, and it was more than I could have wished from a friend and from a sister. My uncle (my mom's brother) was the man who gave it his everything to jus let me hold on to the hope, for he knew that it was falling. My mother saw nothing about herself, just me and my wishes. And my to-be-husband that day, had only one intention in his heart, to make me happy, and keep me smiling. If for that he had to tear his chest and pull his heart out, I believe he would have done it. Helplessly he heard me sobbing, not able to hug me or comfort me, he intended to come and take care of the decoration, and make it as perfect as we had planned and as I had imagined.
I was the bride and looking at myself in the mirror, I could jus cry. Not 'coz the reflection was as perfect as I had imagined, but 'coz the music of my to-be-husband entering the wedding grounds gave me a feeling that even though nothing was perfect, I had the perfect companion with me who gave me hope. I was standing at a point where my reasoning for the wedding day was changed, it wasn't about being the bride any more but its about the marriage, and its about the perfect companion. But in a moment or two its hard to mold into that mind set and let go of the image imagining in the head.
My heart broke when I saw the empty room, where there was no point of being the center of attention, even though I was the shiniest diamond, the bride I had always imagined to be. I was sad seeing that my aisle was not lighted, that the path I was walking on was dark ('coz my light man had betrayed me). But then that day changed my perspective. In Bengali tradition the bride is carried by brothers and uncles to the wedding spot. I had never conveyed to my uncle that I wanted him to be the man who can give me up to the groom, but when he came to me and offered to do so, my dark path suddenly lit up. The emptiness of the room hurting my heart jus' vanished when I removed the betel leaves covering my face and after the longest 24 hours of wait, saw my prince, smiling and blinking his eyes to communicate, he was there with me, and everything from then on, whatever good or bad, he would be there. The whole wedding I didn't... couldn't concentrate on or hear the mantras (Bengali weddings are conducted with a series of mantras), but all I was hearing, even though all the words were silent, was that the companion am taking today will be loving me, will protect me, comfort me and intend to keep me happy. Everything about him, his eyes, his posture, told me to trust him, that he was determined to spend the rest of his life with me, no matter how worse the situation gets. He was serious all through the ceremony, which I complained about, but true to say, he meant it when he said wedding was no joke, and what he did that day was taking our marriage seriously. Even after loosing faith repeatedly, my heart longs to trust him every time I remember those moments.
I looked for my mother and saw an ocean of sorrow in her eyes but not a single drop of tear. I saw hope, I saw a pledge, I saw a mother, a sister, a friend, who gave up her whole life jus' to keep me safe and happy. I saw my friend, my maid of honor, even though I never offered her that job she held on throughout the day, playing the part to perfection. She'd been there like that friend I must have earned by doing plenty of good deeds. I saw my uncle and watched him give up his hunger, running to fix everything so that I don't feel anxious. I made a brother that day, who protected my honor and gave me company. I saw my granny, she was relieved and at peace and wishing me the best. I saw my aunt, she'd been there doing everything li'l to big and loving me truely. Even though my father turned into a stranger, I brought a stranger into my life, who is the partner I will shared my deepest and most intimate secrets with, a stranger who became a reflection, a better half, a part of me. I had a few but the brightest diamonds around me. And the fact is that for 'em I was the shiniest one. I may not be the center of attention for all, but these people really valued me, and everything they opted for was wishing the best for me and making me smile and happy.
But at the end of the day, my body couldn't take it any more and I might have skipped few beats, my brain was shut senseless and when my senses came back I was literally the center of attention. But the two best things about coming back, I got a chance to live this wonderful life with my companions, and when I came back I recognized my husband (weird calling him that, and maybe it will be so for the next 20 years). It felt great when I came to know that I recognized him when I came out of my unconscious senses. It was a kind satisfaction that my heart and soul had accepted, loved the new change in status.
Even-though we didn't start the day perfectly and some how intended to jus survive, but this longest day of broken hopes and creating new dreams was amazing. I look at us in the photos, other than cursing the photographer for being an amateur in the field, I appraise the perfect bride I made. It was jus the way I had imagined, being a picture of my mother. The decoration was nearly perfect, I can live with it. But most of all, the perfect companions I had made the event successful and satisfying for me.
When recreating these thoughts in my head, and visiting that memory lane. This day, the 19th Jan 2012, always starts with the memories of gruesome, painful thoughts, but when I keep thinking about it, it always flies over me as the best part of my life. It restores hope in the future and faith in self. The journey planning this day was more like knowing each other better for all three of us, my mother, my husband and I connected, settled, and bonded together while taking this journey. That one day, the day taught us how a day of wedding was more of a voyage of life, where some people will be there wanting to harm us while others will be there to always pull us out of the worst. But most of all restoring faith and trusting each other with patience is all it needs to survive life. Above all I learnt, "Its never about a perfect wedding, its just a day and it passes away. Its always about a perfect marriage." That I already have and shall cherish forever.
If needed, that wedding day can be created again in my future, if given a chance, the same way its still in my head. The thing I had to let go, and I couldn't do the first time, I can do again. And I know my well wishers will be there to support me, and some more new friends will be added. A day of celebration is never gone. Whats important is to have the right partner. And my mother and husband had been and will be perfect partners I will always share my life with.
Fun fact : I never got married to actually have a marriage but to have a wedding. The journey to which made me realize the actual fact of life, marriage is much more important than wedding. And a good or bad wedding has got nothing to do with a good or bad marriage. Efforts should be put as honestly towards a marriage as religiously as I put towards my wedding. One of the best days in my life is 19 Jan 2012, and that day will come every year. And some year I will have my dream wedding, 'coz I already have my dream marriage, and a perfect relationship.
P.S : This post 'A Girl's Wedding' is a realization that wedding is only a part. Dream about it, enjoy the day but live the marriage you cherish.
Jus' realized, today's 19 May 2013. Exactly one beautiful year and four magical months and counting...
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