moment of impact

Is it been easy, or it will be hard...
If we lose, If we fear the loss
forgetting something we had in past
and creating the memories
Buried in photographs.

The touch of love
the warmth of safety
the excitement of unknown
what's missing from your part.

Figuring out at each step
who I am, & what I was?
Since my ears hear your words
"When was the last time you made me happy?"
I lose it again, that I have never got back.

Your whispers don't speak to me
I sob with the memories
in my silent heart.
My vows were empty
as if I lost everything I had,
ain't even forgetting any
I can't recall our love...

We had it all
We had our life
We had our love
but who am I
Where are we now?
I can't find my answer...
 
The touch of love
the warmth of safety
the excitement of unknown
the kiss for the first time
Can't recreate us.

Oh!! I can't recall anymore
When was the last time
I made you happy?
and stopped being us....

Dear Ex-husband

I wouldn't curse you

I wouldn't blame you

I would never wish you anything 

But all the happiness you deserve.

I am putting all my effort 

into my today

All my effort 

to not collapse

All my effort 

to not feel like burning the world

I don't regret 

I keep telling myself

Even though sometimes 

It sounds like a lie 

Even to my ears

What a girl wants?

What I wanted

Safety!

Too much 

When we were married

A sham

My entire life 

Everything except

When you made me feel worthless

Deprived, unloved

Neglected 

No regret though 

You took away a part of me

Broke me 

Abandoned me 

in a drowning ship.

I am left buried

Pulling your debts

Paying with my life.

I still wish you well. 

I pray God bless you

To find love

And realize how I loved.

My wounds are bleeding 

And it will

For few more days 

or months or years

The part you stole from me

Never to heal again

That's what you wanted

Congratulations!

You won my darling 

Cheers to you

'Coz

What's the point?

Okay!?

I am okay,

Never seeing you,

Never talking to you again,

Never getting to share,

while you listened.

I said my piece,

I tried my part,

I ripped my heart out,

Drenched in my own tears,

But nothing could break your walls.

I am okay,

You not turning back,

You leaving us behind,

You moving on,

Saying, "its over".

"What's the point",

You said.

In a blink its done,

Like it never existed,

Accepted, Excepted.

I am okay,

Not being okay,

Heart broken,

Feel betrayed sometimes,

Wondering, What was the point?

Still hoping,

One day my clouds will part,

Sun will rise again,

I wouldn't slouch anymore,

Like I am beaten down.

Trust again,

Submit to plans of universe,

One day, someday,

I will be better,

I will smile again. 

For real

I will be okay.

Shh...

Shh my little girl

Be silent

Run into the dark room

Cry your eyes out 

Let no one hear you

Let no one see the real you

Shh my dear heart

Bleed in pain 

You break in million pieces 

But keep smiling

Let no one know

Let no one see 

As you're falling

Shh my ghost 

Floating apparition 

You don't exist

But you are still here

It's cold and still

It's dark in silence

Everything is frozen

Time moving on without 

Your presence

Undead Alive

Sitting here like a zombie

Void of all feelings

Lost into nothing

Staring at empty

Glass window 

Insects crawling

Nothing more to this life

I am undead

Numbed of senses 

Close your eyes

And I don't exist

I wish I can move on

Just be gone

But undead don't die

Trying to breathe in

A little bit of life

My throat choked

My heart shattered 

Pain everlasting

Escape this 

shell of a person

I am.

It's dark

It's cold

Can't feel a pulse

I jump  

No fear this time

I am falling

Wind embracing my wings

Let all the memories go

I am with the Gods

Now.

Enduring power of Hope

 

Last day of 2020, I am looking forward to tomorrow, a new day which is jus' a beginning of the new year ahead. And even through this year's adversity is going to linger a bit longer, the new day tomorrow will bring hope with the morning sun.

Looking back, this year had been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. Everything went out of our control, and the bestest plans failed. Together we lost so much, but we gained each other's compassion and company. We are still in the middle of this pandemic but now there's a light at a distance and we can almost see the end of this dark tunnel. If we look hard enough, our life's picture gets more clearer, as the shades deepen to vibrantly highlight what is truly important to us. We're forced to look through a new perception and to take a good hard look at our life and fix the pieces we thought were important, but turned out to be something that were holding us back.

This had been a long hard year for all of us, for some harder than others. But imagine yourself as the person standing pre-pandemic and the person you're right now. What have you achieved, not career, not academic, not financially, but as a living breathing human being, what have you achieved? Are you more empathetic, a bit more patient, do you listen more? Are you grateful and have a new found appreciation for the little things? How has this turmoil changed you as a person, and is this new person a better version of you? Before I start tomorrow, I am planning to answer these questions reminding myself of this journey of finding "Me".

There is a long way to go, to collect the pieces of ourselves, and finish the picture a little differently than we started this year. For some the picture looks completely different, the skills we gained, the careers we shifted, the priorities that changed, over the span of twelve months. Every day we took a step forward, a bit closer to this new day of possibilities, where hope lies jus' at the edge and if we stretch ourselves a little bit more, we can almost reach it.

As I am wrapping the last day of this unpredictable year (which will be noted in history), I want to acknowledge our remarkable journey which kicked us off our game, and our well planned lives to only show that we were blindsided to a better version and a greater potential. Accepting the lingering fumes of 2020, and salvaging our pieces little by little, lets remind each other of this fight for survival and the journey that continues for citizen of Earth.

So here I am with a notepad as the clock strikes midnight, to reminiscence my year and how I've changed, only to picture my life's goal ahead, planning (again despite uncertainty) to fulfills my dream of tomorrow.

May the new year bring everyone peace, joy and Hope. Happy New Year!!!

Dear Husband

Dear husband

I am doing well,

Since you have been gone

I have found myself

I forgive you 

for treating me 

the way you've felt 

about yourself.

I am broken

I am bruised 

I crumpled  

In disdain

I'll build

I'll survive 

But I'll remember 

this pain

I loved you  

With my heart and soul

I trusted you

Even when you abandoned me

In darkness and trouble 

Instead of wiping my tears

you wiped my smile

My light is gone

And the spark in my eyes

I had lost my worth

Doubted my existence 

Still living 

Still breathing 

But darling I am not lost anymore 

I found another version of me

I didn't know 

I am capable of

A different person I am now

The girl who sees the world 

Not with rosy glasses

A girl who's built from ashes

And gonna take over the world

Dear husband 

Thanks for showing me 

how weak you are.

For telling me 

you're not good enough

While never making a try

to be the partner

I deserved,

In 12 years 

Of lifetime 

Still, I fought tooth and nail

For another last chance 

To finding something 

That never existed at all.

"Its too late 

for us to survive," you said

It's me and not you

that's the story you tell

Last, slither of hope

Vanished in thin air

Silence fell 

and not a thing to say anymore

Nothing to survive 

Nothing to salvage 

I paused for a moment

to mourn

But not for long

It hurt less now

Letting you go

Without a doubt 

My dear husband

You can blame it on me 

tell any story 

thats yours to believe 

I loved you once

Now I feel nothing

I don't hate you

I am not in dismay

I am moving ahead

And I dont care

If you exist.

My Own Hell

- A story prequel to Unmarried Widow

Last 10 mins are a complete blur like I was sleepwalking and suddenly jolted to awareness to this moment.

She was laying on the floor in silence and motionless. My focus shifted to the crimson blood drenched my hand, and dripping on my shoes. Soon I realized the pool of blood forming around her. Her red spaghetti-strapped dress conceded her wound but not for long. She was bleeding, and her inanimate form was laying cold. Did I do this? Were we fighting? Why don't I remember anything? 

My body crumpled on the floor weightless, how can I do this, she is the love of my life. I was planning my future with her, hiding my grandmother's ring and contemplating the moment to surprise her. The last thing I remember is how stressed I was all week to find that perfect moment until tonight I realized there is no perfect moment for us. because every moment with her is perfect, even when we fight we can't stay mad at each other, the distance between us is so heartbreaking but I can feel her every time I close my eyes. Tonight as I was planning to ask the big question, I knew she would see this coming. She has her way to get into my mind and figure out. Even though she kinda had a feeling of what's coming, I could notice her hiding her giggles and playing along. 

Her blissful ignorance to allow me to surprise her is adorable. It's like a sweet dance we play, its always been a thing between us. We both know how we feel and the spark between us, but we quietly watch each other and wait who makes the next move. It can get so frustrating sometimes but I can't deny the supernova of emotions, of love when we collide.

I kept smiling at the memories like an insane person, while still covered in her blood as she was right in front of me. "It's weird for someone like you to be quiet for so long, enough with your prank. Its time to get up," I yelled in a quivering voice while wiping off my tears. 

I moved closer to touch her, wishing its all a dream. Her body was so cold, as I wrapped her in my arms and sobbed.

"What?" She said, "what happened," she shook me back to reality. It was a dream, there she was in my arms in her lacey white nightgown and we are in our bed. 

I held her in my arms tight, I wanted to breathe her in, I wanted to feel her soft skin, I wanted to remember this moment and never let it go. But as I closed my eyes, I could feel my love fading like a smoke. Instead of her lavender scent, I smelled metallic blood. And I was back in that moment, where she was laying on the floor lifeless. I wanted to reach her, hold her in my arms, but this time my feet were bolted to the floor, as stream of memories ran through my brain like mercury poisoning my veins. 

It was the night before the Valentines day, her favorite holiday. She was smiling, decorating like she did every year, her naïve sense of St. Valentine's miracle was glorious. She believed its one day people are at their best and only goodwill brings glory. I was amused by her innocence, when my phone rang, there was an emergency at work. I was disappointed because I was about to ask her to marry me, just before midnight. I had to play along with her cheesy epic drama, but maybe I was getting used to the cheesiness. 

Reluctantly, I went to work and after spending a few hours in the cubical by myself, I decided it was enough. The clock was striking almost midnight, "If I start now, I can make it," I said it to myself. I was excited, and kept checking on the ring, polished and shining like a bright north star. Jus' like her who showed me direction when I was lost, she's the one I called my home. I was smiling like an idiot in love as I reminded myself to start my motorcycle. I can't remember how complete I felt imagining her saying yes, and as she puts her arms around me. I could play each and every moment in my head again and again. 

Until a bright light and a sudden impact threw me into a slow-motion crash, I could see myself flying off my vehicle in the air. My motorcycle hitting the pavement and breaking into crumbled pieces, I could see the concrete wall of divider coming close to me, my head landed on it rupturing the wall, helpless I lay there, as all I could think about was her face fading away like smoke in the air.   

Everything went dark, and then the metallic smell of blood.

Last 10 mins are a complete blur like I was sleepwalking and suddenly jolted to awareness to this moment. She was laying on the floor in silence and motionless.

Moonlight Silhouette

Sometimes I feel

I deserve this

This pain 

The heartbreak

The agony of

Losing myself

I wonder

where have I gone wrong

I loved you 

With all my heart

It was all yours 

Without a doubt

Why you had to 

Rip it out 

You left me 

in the cold

You left me 

to bleed out

Now jus' a shell left

I linger as

the moonlight silhouette

A ghost from your past 

Dead Inside

I pray

Turn my heart cold

So cold that 

I don't feel again

Turn me into stone 

So walled 

That no one 

can get in ever again 

Take away my emotions 

Let me be numb

I drown

Into my own despair 

I accepted 

My path, my fate

"Fine w.e"

You turned me

dead inside

Cut to Bleed

You stabbed my heart 

Cut it out to bleed

Crimson blood

Drenched your hands

But it's far from 

your grasp 

How much 

you've hurt me

Its time for me 

to be lost in shadows

Fade like 

the smoke in hollows

Erase all trace 

of my existence 

the stranger I am

Vanish in the distant lands

Petrified of the darkness 

That echoes

The cruel cold of winter 

Loneliness settles

Still my warmth 

is minuscule and unvalued 

Like rubbish left unwanted

because I played no games 

offer my love as gift attainable

I held on to you 

with nothing to gain

But you ridiculed 

my emotions 

you rejected my pain

You saw right past me

Like am a ghost 

that lingered 

It didn't matter 

If I don't exist at all

Why am so helpless 

I keep asking the mighty Lord

What's store in fate

What's destined

I know you'll 

never hold my hand

I know you'll 

never kiss me 

I meant nothing 

like an extra

in your life.

As you forget to remember

it won't even matter 

If I leave 

never to return.

LCO Says So

LCO Says So