Did I deserved it. You made me feel like I did. Instead of seeing the cruelity of it you gave me a few reasons to ponder upon your cruelity justifying the punishment deserved the crime.
1. I am clingy? - What is that? I wondered. I googled, read a few reddit comments and still confused. You were so understanding to my low IQ and explained I check up on you if you had your lunch that's clingy. Right, you were right.
2. I will a distraction rather obstruction to your goals - MBA. The future proved I am exactly that.
3. And you mother asked you to break up. And hence you left me after 12 years of marriage coz your mother told you to.
Later you promised me that you will make up for this cruelity all your life. I guess that was you hypnotized under by black magic spell. Which keeps wearing off and on. Your forever and always and your promise about lifetime is quite short, ain't it. Forever maybe just few minutes based on your mood. And I will keep playing jumping jack.
Ya I am venting. Bit in truth I am not mad at you. You were only thing that was true and honest, you showed the bottom feeding low standard man you were, you showed me plain and simple that I am an option to you so as soon as you were in phone call with your other option it took you merciless 2 seconds to dump me over a half ass text on valentine's day.
That was my first valentine's day, I told you how much I was looking forward to it. But waiting to dump me after few hours was too much. The same way as you told our Lawyer On the divorce day - you can't stand me any more.
That's what I was - An Option. Something you can use and throw after you are done.
So whenever I brought this wound to heal you asked me to forget it, bury it and get over it. Lol.
It sounds like nagging complaints, I know. But in honesty the only complaint I have was for me. Think about that day scares me so much the fear I was feeling when I walked the dark, lonely street of Chennai at 3:15am. My mind wanders into what would've happened. I was so scared of abandoned by you, that I abandoned one person who entire life and being was dependent on my well being, I neglected her, forgot her. Maybe it was her blessing calling upon the Gods that protected me that day. And nothing happened to me. But still thinking about the night gives makes my heart drop. And I am so angry at myself for doing it for you, who was never worth it.
You didn't worth me, devaluing myself. You didn't worth putting my safety at risk. Especially you, who would leave at the first thing and never stop me ever. I remember the very first wedding anniversary you gave me a divorce lawyers number.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I nagged you with my complaints my pain when I should have taken the time to understand my pain. I should have accepted the loss instead of allowing you to treat me cruelly.
That's not yours shall never be yours. No matter how pretty the prospect might be or the wrapper of promises are, the truth is - shit is shit, it will stink.
Taking the first step of Love.
Dear Me, I am sorry. I didn't value you. I didn't value love that day. My illusion of love was misplaced. I should have protected you and thought about your safety. But I kept putting you in harms way again and again last was 24th Dec 2023 trying to find his house. But I promise you, never again. My heart my priority is you. I am so sorry. And I am grateful to that Supreme power whose blessing have pulled me out of those horrendous horrifying situation untouched. I am grateful to dear God. I forgive him and take accountability of my actions.
I can't go back into the past. But from today each valentine's day I promise to love you, prioritize you and value you. Forever and always.
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