What's the Point?

You were cruel.

I fought with the world, my most favorite person my mom, and my inner voice to not blame you. To accept how unacceptable you treated me. I blamed myself, so that i dont blame you. Made excuses for your action when you didnt take accountability. 

You were cruel. I didnt deserve your cruelity. You never apologized for those. You asked me to forget. 

HVD, I broke up. 

Not only i felt rejected, abandoned but the way i felt so unsafe trying to save what "us?" The us that never existed, what was the point? Running to you 3am in the night in the dark street walk to your place, waiting on your stairs finally with morning sun so that i can knock your door.

I kept putting myself in those dangerous situation in attempt for you to see me, my love? Win your sympathy, coz i confused sympathy for love? And in the process i devalued myself again and again. Giving you my body eventhough i didnt want to, cause that will probably make you love me. But i was an object you took out frustration, sexual experiment so you could score better in exam. You left me half naked feeling used and grabbed a book to study.because you concentration is better and i understood. I cared for whats important to you just to fast forward 16 years for you to tell me at my weakest that i dont understand and hence you are leaving.

You were cruel, for breaking my leg over an argument. And when i limped in pain you didnt give me support. Never apologized never showed you regret. 

When i was in the hospital and unnecessarily poked so doctors can earn cash. You kept using me for your pleasure but when i asked for your support, cried to you to help me with doctors you rather chose to pin me to the bed and use your physical strength to shut me up.

I complained, and it was very annoying. So you ignored, and asked me to forget first 5 years. 

Next 5 years...

You were cruel for never introducing me as your wife or partner but your colleague when we were already married. 

You were cruel, to bet our marriage our relationship to show support to your parents' unjustified demand if i have to marry you. Here is the story for context, the first time ever they spoke to my parents, they told my mother to free free, rather they insisted for her to skip my wedding. Because only my presence is needed and hence my family may parent aren't required to come to my wedding. I must forget my hope and dreams and go to your hometown where I know no one and attend my wedding. In a single blow treating you to be the most expensive hot commodity that I would be the most luckiest girl to be in your company and at the same time telling me I am expendable and replaceable. "One gone another will come" what your mother said. 

So I told you this, but you chose to gaslight me and said i misunderstood. You said you are betting our marriage and won't marry me if this is true. 

Keep buried the incredible insult to my mother the person gave birth to me asked not to come to my wedding. 

 We decided to call your parents right in front of you and us. So they told you "Yes they meant each word." 

later you said you didn't mean it but you didn't think twice to bet our marriage. You parent said curtsey sorry and I become magically okay?

Ya coz you are the diamond and I am the luckiest girl alive to have the great honor to marry you, until you get bored and leave me after 12 years cause the entire relationship is built on the basis of what you want. You wanted now you don't. Cause what's the point?

You were cruel when in front of whole audience you said you dont want wear the ring i was putting on your finger coz your family wants you to wear the ring in right hand. What was my fault, why I was a joke. Safe all I needed was safety and you kept throwing me to the wolves. 

You are still cruel, when you said i would want to destroy another girl's dream, villianizing me when i was beaten down and i was look for a tiny piece to float in the shipwreck of my life. Yes I complained, I didn't get the respect or acknowledgement as your wife that someone's girl friend is getting today. A Tony shred of validation I needed from you for my emotions. But all you did was shut me up by accusing me of something beyond. Even though shutting me up costed our relationship, what's was the point of that relationship ever to you? But being cruel and mean to me. And I deserved it every bit of it, coz I took it, the first time. I allowed it the second time, coz the third time and nth time, the point that was important to me was our relationship, the non existent illusion of a relationship in my mind.

It was cruel of you to dismiss my existence, When i showed you my vernubility by saying how neglected i felt my whole life,  you blamed me for feeling my feelings and wanting more than breadcrumbs you serve. The bare minimum started to become too much for you now and you walked away like you cared less. Well you really cared less. "Caring" at Convenience is not caring. Caring as long as you get validation and take away as punishment is cruel is toxic.

You were and are cruel to me. For the reasons, i dont understand. But congratulations - you broke me, stole my spirit and left me abandoned.

But you showed me the version of me who's capable of love. I wont dwell on guilt or past choices. I am grateful, loving you i have know am capable of love. Known the difference between toxic love and genuinely loving myself. I have a choice, i am done putting myself in danger to win anyone's love or approval. I dont want love conjectured with because, i want love that i deserve,  that i am capable of, and that i can give. Love that exist. Love that flows without any force without asking, love that pure like the first sun shine. 

Now I know Love.

So good for you to run away. Coz you never fit in my world and i didnt fit yours. You knew you were here to only take and you were on borrowed time. 

Hope you learned something found something, both you and your parent. Coz for the sake of the world, i wish you never treat another human like you treated me. 

What's the point? - Learn to Love.

Godspeed.