I am your Past

Picture Credit - Vapour of Sadness

Am your shadow
A part of your darkness
in the brightest daylight
A part you forgot
A part lost behind

Am a teardrop
A hurt a pain
you felt every second
I am part of your misery
and a friend
of your loneliness

Am your broken heart
A sunken feeling
in the dark
a weight of million tons
a feeling when crushed by love
A part you've given up

Am the dread
a haunting sensation
in the night
like someone is watching you
and it's hard to close your eyes

Am someone you forgot
ghost of your past
A distance that you've drawn
silence inside the white noise.

Am a part you never cared
not then, not today
I am the present
you never accepted
and a future
that never existed

So is this my Goodbye
to tell you I am moving on
I feel the pain
you'll never feel
'coz I expected too much

I wished you to hold me
when I am scared
I wished you to wipe my tears
To be there
so that I don't have to be enough

Now I turn my back
as I leave your door
and shut it behind
I know you barely notice
as I slip away
faded like a smoke disappears
Nothing of me,
jus' a faded memory left behind.

I gonna let 'em Stay

I gonna let 'em stay
My darkness
and my flaws
I have paid the price
for who I am
to summon my demons.

You know I wear a veil
I can cover it up
Or reveal myself
But it's about me
And nothin' that you can tell

Let it show
I am happy to
How does it feel
Like the never ending
blackness revealed

Voices in my head
Haunts me every day
Tormenting me into pieces
Breaking me every moment
and there is no escape.

But they are my thoughts
So am gonna let 'em stay
They feel like me
They run too deep
They're part of me
Even though they hurt and prick.

It's hard to say
How your own thoughts can hurt you
I know I have
Dragged myself down
There is no good
and there is no bad
It me, and a raw truth
Standing in front you.

You can bring me
 a thousand lights
But am a black hole
I will take away
everything you have
Let say that's your price to pay.

So, here is your chance
A chance to escape
Or welcome to my life
I gonna let you stay
If you feel the same way.

Fall of Winter Queen

"Winter queen
She has a cold heart
Punish her
Banish her
She doesn't deserve to be heard"

As the public spoke their verdict
The winter queen takes a bow
She puts her golden crown down
Let loose her white bangs
As She walks out

She passes each soldier
Every eye burning in anger

Her grace has fallen
But her head held high
"How arrogant is she"
A young boy cried

His voice echoed in silence
Chained Queen's feet
She took a pause
looking down in mourning

"Once a queen of the green lands
Loved and envied by all
where the choices that went so wrong?
I loved them
Gave them all
Still haven't made my place 

in single heart at all"

Her eyes wells up,
And tear roll down her frozen cheeks
She advances in dignity
Straight posture like a Queen she is

She rises up to the stage
Waiting for her hands to be tied again
"Die you witch,
You destroyer of land"
"Burn in hell
You deserve far worse"

As the noose tied around her neck
Execute her the decision is made
"Any last words"
The minister said

The queen nodded 

spoke with voice so clear
"I understand dread
ghastly changes that
can be frightening.
I understand blame
Someone should be
And its easier on me
I understand hate
The anguish and pain
I understand you are my people
And I forgive"

She lies there

where snow never melts

A Queen's fate was sealed 

in boxed prejudice
As world turned 100 years
her soul still waits 

Company in Darkness

Shadow surrounds the vision
Vague is the meaning
the consequences
No certainty, nothing said
But persisting temptation.

That voice in the darkness
Sounds familiar, 

Like a lost someone
Am not alone
In world of misery
And perception

The deeper I walk
The darker it is
But voice so clear
Like its next to me
I feel his breath on my neck
I hear the restlessness
in silence

So close, so close he is
Inches away
Almost could touch him
A sensation of existence
The truth, the certainty
A true love kiss
For once for once it is

Life swirls into chaos
Darkness shredded by the light
Nothing hidden
No lies

But wait
where is he
Who was it

It was jus' sweet sweet imagination 

mind playing games
A product of desperation
Loneliness haunted solicitation

nothing that is real

only empty realization

Incomplete as my sentences
Emotions unresolved
Clueless and rattled
No route I can find
No sense in chaos,
No patern no matter
how hard I try to find

Ending up where I have begun
Clouded vision
and shadows scream
In deep pit hole
Where my soul belongs.

A Broken Friend

Do you consider me a friend?
I could, I would have
But before I even...
you showed me the pieces
of your darkness
and how broken you are

I know what you mean
After such a long time
I thought I could finally have someone
Someone to talk to
when I need to scroll through my contacts
but before we could bond
I told you how insecure I am
How my anger and hurt has damaged me
how broken I am

"I don't judge," you said
you couldn't look into my eyes anymore
or I jus' disgusted you so much
But obviously, you said it
because there is something to judge

Spilling your heart when you're drunk
then remember nothing
but the broken pieces of conversation
dreading shame of reminders,
punch in the guts,
and question rotating in circles
why did I say that
Why I always go back to that
the guilt remains
and pleasure of buzz disappears

I felt like I made a friend
But friendship is two-way lane
I couldn't hold my feelings
You consoled me
everything is okay
But I didn't give you a chance
to say your piece if you had

Am not a good listener
and I am selfish
I showed you, my soul
and my monstrosity
You've been kind to me
but I don't deserve it.

You are an Angel,
I wish you a lifetime of joy.
If you need me,
you know where to find me
I would be here alone
brooding for damaging
our friendship.

You Don't Matter

A sudden realization of "you don't matter" is same feeling as getting hit by thousand bolt of lightning. Left shocked and baffled you keep questioning every instance in the past. Mind wandering to the possibilities of what if.

What if, it was sooner, might my heart bled less. What if, I didn't move, I still would have those friends. But the what ifs, are the "if" defining the beginning of the moments before choice to share your life, what if I could have seen the red flags even before starting this heart tormenting series of moments that reached the actuality. What if, I never brought him into our lives and at least saved my loved ones from the misery of betrayals and the aching pain and void of asking why, with echoing silence and torture of no answer.

But at the end you still stand baffled, with an expressionless face and with questioning eyes, realizing you don't matter, you never did. You were jus' another pawn to sacrifice on someone else's game. And now when you are useless to them, you are jus' another piece of garbage stuck on their shoes, which can easily be scraped off. And the same noise reflecting from the walls, keep telling you - "you don't matter"

It's not a surprise, you knew this. Then why the wondering and questioning. There is nothing called we were meant to be, your sacrifices were your own, no one begged you for it. You thought you should 'coz that someone mattered to you, you can't demand the same considerations. You kept your minuscule life on hold, because you believed you were not capable of greatness, you helped him coz you knew you couldn't achieve it. And now that, what you knew is known to the world and to him, you are surprised? He knows you aren't capable of anything, you are now a dry and bitter lowest form of human being. His friends saw it, his family said it and you knew it every time you looked into the eyes of your own reflection. You knew the secret and the facade of confidence you maintained but like your dark secrets that you shared with him, he knew the chink in your armor and he waited for the right time to kick you on the curb and move on. Don't you think you deserved it? You gave him all the weapon and then expected him to do what - not to take advantage. How naive are you? 

There are no saints, when push comes to shove, everyone is on their own. And if you didn't stand your ground is because you are a loser. The world doesn't revolve around you, and "you don't matter"

Giving up to void

For decade, I gave and gave, gave up my life, my youth, my career and today I am empty, lost in void and have nothing else to give so he gave up on me and gave me up.